NEW
Lou Piniella’s Sudden Retirement Surprises Many Who Thought He’d Retired Months Ago
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs and their fans were in for a shock this weekend when Lou Piniella, the team’s manager since October of 2006 announced that he was retiring at the end of Sunday’s game against the Atlanta Braves.
It marked the end of a storied career in baseball for Piniella, 66, who’d previously announced that this season would be his last.
His sudden decision sent shock waves throughout Cubdom, particularly among fans – most of whom thought Lou Piniella had retired several months ago. Read more »
Cubs
Lou Piniella’s Sudden Retirement Surprises Many Who Thought He’d Retired Months Ago
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs and their fans were in for a shock this weekend when Lou Piniella, the team’s manager since October of 2006 announced that he was retiring at the end of Sunday’s game against the Atlanta Braves.
It marked the end of a storied career in baseball for Piniella, 66, who’d previously announced that this season would be his last.
His sudden decision sent shock waves throughout Cubdom, particularly among fans – most of whom thought Lou Piniella had retired several months ago. Read more »
Baseball
Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter Account Clearly Hacked
(Chicago, IL) – The baseball world is preparing for the start of Spring Training games, but the biggest news is still coming from off the field.
Last week, it was revealed that Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had signed up for a Twitter account, and would be tweeting his thoughts throughout the season. Guillen, known for his no-hold’s-barred communication style, promised the experience to be fun and interesting for all of his fans.
But shortly after Guillen signed up, something must have gone wrong. Surely the tweets that started appearing couldn’t actually be coming from Ozzie. Read more »
Football
Colts to Rest Starters for the Postseason to Ensure Freshness for Next Year’s Playoffs
(Indianapolis, IN) – Many fans, both of the Colts and the NFL in general, were disappointed to see the Colts pull their starters in a close game in week 16 against the New York Jets, leading to a loss, and the end of their previously undefeated season.
As head coach Jim Caldwell explained, the Colts were simply trying to maximize their chance to win in the post-season. You know, even though a team wins the Super Bowl every single year, and a team has only gone undefeated once in history. So the trade-off totally made sense.
And the Colts are poised to make another controversial decision. Read more »
Basketball
Michael Jordan Spends 35 Minutes Explaining to Grocery Clerk Why He Wouldn’t Want to be Him
(Chicago, IL) – Chicago Bulls fans will always remember Michael Jordan as the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact, most basketball fans will remember him that way.
That’s particularly true after Michael Jordan’s perplexing and self-aggrandizing Hall of Fame induction speech last month. For more than a dozen rambling, pomp-filled minutes, Jordan reminded all in attendance of just how awesome his was at basketball. It was bizarre, but at least it eventually ended, and faded from memory.
But for Tim Crossley, a clerk at Central Grocery, Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech feels like it just happened yesterday. Because it did. To him. Read more »
Other
Jennie Finch Retires from Softball; Softball Also Decides to Retire
(Oklahoma City, OK) – Softball superstar Jennie Finch, best known for her dominating performances as a pitcher at Arizona and for the United States team, has decided to hang up her spikes. Perhaps as well known for her dazzling beauty as her blazing fastball, Finch played professional softball for the better part of 10 years.
But after those long years, Finch has decided to spend more time at home with her husband – former Major League pitcher Casey Daigle – and four-year-old son, brilliantly named Ace.
In a related announcement, the sport of Softball has announced that it, too, has decided to retire. Read more »
Baseball News
Yankees Using 27th Championship to Prop Up Garage Door
(New York, NY) – The New York Yankees are the toast of town once again. For the 27th time in their storied history, the Yankees are World Series champions.... Read more »
Matt Holliday Unsuccessfully Tries to Catch Remote with Groin
(St. Louis, MO) – The 2009 baseball season is finally behind us, the playoffs and World Series having concluded this week. This year’s effort was full... Read more »
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Chicago Cubs News
Cubs Management Working Hard to District Players from Team Woes
(San Francisco, CA) – It’s no secret that the Chicago Cubs are down in the dumps. The team has lost 10 of 11, manager Lou Piniella is away to tend to... Read more »
As Trade Deadline Nears, Jim Hendry’s Snack Pack Remains Untouchable
(Chicago, IL) – July 31 is a magical date in Major League Baseball. It marks the date by which players can be traded without being subjected to waivers, and... Read more »
Tom Ricketts’ Attempts to Return Cubs Yield Embarrassment, Store Credit
(Chicago, IL) – It’s been a miserable first half for the 2010 Chicago Cubs. There have been player-driven headaches, early-season bullpen woes, and a... Read more »
Football News
Cedric Benson Really Shows Bears – That He Was a Lazy Douche in Chicago
(Cincinnati, OH) – As his new team, the surprising Cincinnati Bengals, jumped all over his old team in a 45-10 drubbing, running back Cedric Benson could only... Read more »
Buffalo Bills Sign Badboy Terrell Owens, Think They Can “Change Him”
(Buffalo, NY) – When the Dallas Cowboys finally became so fed up with rebellous wide receiver Terrell Owens and released him a little while ago, most thought... Read more »
Basketball News
Drew Gooden Replacing Ben Wallace By Growing Afro on Chin
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Bulls are languishing through a painful first half of the season, struggling to stay within striking distance of .500. The Bulls... Read more »
Derrick Rose on Stabbing Self: I just wanted be like Plax
(Chicago, IL) – The sports world’s history is full of baffling injury stories, from the silly to the downright unbelievable. Be it slipping in the shower,... Read more »
Other Sports News
Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction – STDs Remain
(Jackson, MS) – PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and... Read more »
Michael Phelps Signs Endorsement Deal with Funyuns
(Los Angeles, CA) – Six months ago, you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing the news about America’s golden boy, Michael Phelps. He... Read more »




