NEW
Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction - STDs Remains
(Jackson, MS) - PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and one guy, Woods disappeared from the public eye while he tries to recover his battered reputation.
Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction. Read more »
Cubs
Carlos Zambrano Tells Fans to Start Calling Him “The Situation”
(Chicago, IL) - The Major League Baseball off-season is hitting its strides, and players all over are finding ways to cope with the long stretch of downtime. Some players like to relax and take vacations. Other players begin a workout regimen, ensuring that their bodies are in peak physical condition for the subsequent season.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano found a way to combine the two, and was recently on a local radio show touting his new physique and his recent vacation. Read more »
Baseball
Yankees Using 27th Championship to Prop Up Garage Door
(New York, NY) - The New York Yankees are the toast of town once again. For the 27th time in their storied history, the Yankees are World Series champions. And the team seemed very excited about it when they left the field last week to celebrate.
But now that the glow of winning has passed, the Yankees seem decidedly less enthused about having another championship trophy. Read more »
Football
Colts to Rest Starters for the Postseason to Ensure Freshness for Next Year’s Playoffs
(Indianapolis, IN) - Many fans, both of the Colts and the NFL in general, were disappointed to see the Colts pull their starters in a close game in week 16 against the New York Jets, leading to a loss, and the end of their previously undefeated season.
As head coach Jim Caldwell explained, the Colts were simply trying to maximize their chance to win in the post-season. You know, even though a team wins the Super Bowl every single year, and a team has only gone undefeated once in history. So the trade-off totally made sense.
And the Colts are poised to make another controversial decision. Read more »
Basketball
Michael Jordan Spends 35 Minutes Explaining to Grocery Clerk Why He Wouldn’t Want to be Him
(Chicago, IL) - Chicago Bulls fans will always remember Michael Jordan as the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact, most basketball fans will remember him that way.
That’s particularly true after Michael Jordan’s perplexing and self-aggrandizing Hall of Fame induction speech last month. For more than a dozen rambling, pomp-filled minutes, Jordan reminded all in attendance of just how awesome his was at basketball. It was bizarre, but at least it eventually ended, and faded from memory.
But for Tim Crossley, a clerk at Central Grocery, Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech feels like it just happened yesterday. Because it did. To him. Read more »
Other
Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction - STDs Remains
(Jackson, MS) - PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and one guy, Woods disappeared from the public eye while he tries to recover his battered reputation.
Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction. Read more »
Baseball News
Matt Holliday Unsuccessfully Tries to Catch Remote with Groin
(St. Louis, MO) - The 2009 baseball season is finally behind us, the playoffs and World Series having concluded this week. This year’s effort was full of tremendous... Read more »
Jake Peavy Accepts Trade to White Sox, Reluctantly Agrees to Requisite Lobotomy
(Chicago, IL) - The Major League Baseball trade deadline has come and gone, and the most shocking move of all was the trade of San Diego Padres ace Jake Peavy to... Read more »
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Chicago Cubs News
In Light of McGwire Steroid Revelation, Sammy Sosa Admits He Can Speak English
(New York, NY) - Folks always suspected that something illicit was behind Mark McGwire’s explosive numbers during his playing days. It was some five years... Read more »
Cubs Sign Marisa Miller to be New Center Fielder and Designated Distraction
(Chicago, IL) - The offseason has started inauspiciously for the Chicago Cubs. After much ballyhoo surrounding the expected trade of Milton Bradley, the Cubs have... Read more »
Randy Wells Concerned to Learn that Carlos Zambrano is His Secret Santa
(Chicago, IL) - The holiday season is squarely upon us, and even the Chicago Cubs, coming off a brutally disappointing 2009 season, are full of the Christmas spirit.... Read more »
Football News
Cedric Benson Really Shows Bears - That He Was a Lazy Douche in Chicago
(Cincinnati, OH) - As his new team, the surprising Cincinnati Bengals, jumped all over his old team in a 45-10 drubbing, running back Cedric Benson could only smile. It... Read more »
Buffalo Bills Sign Badboy Terrell Owens, Think They Can “Change Him”
(Buffalo, NY) - When the Dallas Cowboys finally became so fed up with rebellous wide receiver Terrell Owens and released him a little while ago, most thought it... Read more »
Basketball News
Drew Gooden Replacing Ben Wallace By Growing Afro on Chin
(Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Bulls are languishing through a painful first half of the season, struggling to stay within striking distance of .500. The Bulls simply... Read more »
Derrick Rose on Stabbing Self: I just wanted be like Plax
(Chicago, IL) - The sports world’s history is full of baffling injury stories, from the silly to the downright unbelievable. Be it slipping in the shower,... Read more »
Other Sports News
Michael Phelps Signs Endorsement Deal with Funyuns
(Los Angeles, CA) - Six months ago, you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing the news about America’s golden boy, Michael Phelps. He had... Read more »
Michael Phelps Wins Record-Breaking Eight Gold Medals, but Has to Shave Arms to Do It
(Beijing, China) - It was a record-smashing week in Beijing for U.S. Men’s Swimming superstar Michael Phelps. When he secured his eighth gold medal on Sunday,... Read more »






