NEW

Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction - STDs Remains

(Jackson, MS) - PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and one guy, Woods disappeared from the public eye while he tries to recover his battered reputation.

Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction. Read more »

Cubs

Carlos Zambrano Tells Fans to Start Calling Him “The Situation”

(Chicago, IL) - The Major League Baseball off-season is hitting its strides, and players all over are finding ways to cope with the long stretch of downtime. Some players like to relax and take vacations. Other players begin a workout regimen, ensuring that their bodies are in peak physical condition for the subsequent season.

Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano found a way to combine the two, and was recently on a local radio show touting his new physique and his recent vacation. Read more »

Baseball

Yankees Using 27th Championship to Prop Up Garage Door

(New York, NY) - The New York Yankees are the toast of town once again. For the 27th time in their storied history, the Yankees are World Series champions. And the team seemed very excited about it when they left the field last week to celebrate.

But now that the glow of winning has passed, the Yankees seem decidedly less enthused about having another championship trophy. Read more »

Football

Colts to Rest Starters for the Postseason to Ensure Freshness for Next Year’s Playoffs

(Indianapolis, IN) - Many fans, both of the Colts and the NFL in general, were disappointed to see the Colts pull their starters in a close game in week 16 against the New York Jets, leading to a loss, and the end of their previously undefeated season.

As head coach Jim Caldwell explained, the Colts were simply trying to maximize their chance to win in the post-season. You know, even though a team wins the Super Bowl every single year, and a team has only gone undefeated once in history. So the trade-off totally made sense.

And the Colts are poised to make another controversial decision. Read more »

Basketball

Michael Jordan Spends 35 Minutes Explaining to Grocery Clerk Why He Wouldn’t Want to be Him

(Chicago, IL) - Chicago Bulls fans will always remember Michael Jordan as the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact, most basketball fans will remember him that way.

That’s particularly true after Michael Jordan’s perplexing and self-aggrandizing Hall of Fame induction speech last month. For more than a dozen rambling, pomp-filled minutes, Jordan reminded all in attendance of just how awesome his was at basketball. It was bizarre, but at least it eventually ended, and faded from memory.

But for Tim Crossley, a clerk at Central Grocery, Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech feels like it just happened yesterday. Because it did. To him. Read more »

Other

Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction - STDs Remains

(Jackson, MS) - PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and one guy, Woods disappeared from the public eye while he tries to recover his battered reputation.

Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction. Read more »