Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”

April 30, 2008

Kobe Bryant Press Conference
(Denver, CO) – The NBA Playoffs are in full swing, and it didn’t take long for Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers to dispatch the Denver Nuggets in the first round, sweeping them 4-0. But it wasn’t the Lakers’ dominance that was the hot topic of conversation following their win, it was star Bryant’s characterization of the series. Read more

Former Cubs Manager Lee Elia on Tirade 25 Years Later: “I’m pretty f*@&ing embarrassed”

April 29, 2008

head in hands

(Seattle, WA) – Two and a half decades ago, after a dismal 5-14 start by his Chicago Cubs, manager Lee Elia let loose an expletive-filled tirade not since seen in the sports world. The rant, which lasted some three odd minutes, has reached legendary status among Cubs fans, and among those who hate the Cubs. Perhaps most notably, Elia shouted in the tirade: “Eighty-five percent of the [flippin'] world is working. The other fifteen come out here. A [flippin'] playground for the [persons who perform fellatio].” Read more

Cubs Discover Washington Nationals Are Secretly a Real Life MLB Team

April 27, 2008

Washington Nationals Celebrate Win

(Washington, D.C.) – After starting the season on a blistering tear, winning 15 of their first 22 games, the Chicago Cubs ran into a buzzsaw in the form of the Washington Nationals. The Nationals, losers of 16 of their first 23 games entering the weekend tilt with the Cubs, have been hiding a secret all season, it seems: They’re a major league team. Read more

Chicago Cubs Pull Racist Shirt, Public Relations Department Kicks Off Ill-Conceived “We So Solly” Campaign

April 25, 2008

Cubs Horry Kow Shirt Offensive Kosuke Fukudome
picture courtesy Chicago Sun Times

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs have halted production of an unlicensed Kosuke Fukudome shirt containing offensive material. The shirt bore the traditional Cubs bear face, but with slanted eyes and wearing Harry Caray-style glasses. It was accompanied by the words “Horry Kow!” written in a “Japanese” script. Read more

Prince Fielder Becomes a Vegetarian – Meat Industry Files for Bankruptcy

April 25, 2008

(Milwaukee, WI) – Representatives from meat industries all across the country were funneling into Milwaukee this weekend for a demonstration aimed at informing Prince Fielder of just one thing: “You’re putting us out of business with this vegetarian crap.”

Read more

Kansas City Royals Mathematically Eliminated from Playoff Contention

April 25, 2008

Kansas City Royals

(Kansas City, MO) – Monday was a day of spirited excitement all around baseball, as teams took the field for Opening Day. But the day was also one of profound disappointment for the Kansas Ciy Royals, as they were officially eliminated from playoff contention despite their 5-4 extra innings victory over the Detroit Tigers.

Though disappointed, the Royals (1-0) cannot be particularly surprised that they will not be making the playoffs this year. The team has not made the playoffs in more than 20 years.

Still, the day stung.

“Yeah, of course we’re disappointed,” Royals 3B Alex Gordon said Monday night. “I mean, it is particularly hard to swallow, given that we’ve won the only game we’ve played this year.”

This is the first time the Royals have been eliminated on Opening Day following a win, but it is not the earliest they have been eliminated. In 1986, the team was eliminated from the playoffs in the third inning of their Opening Day game. And mid-way through 1995, they were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs for the 1996, 1997, and 1998 seasons.

“At first I didn’t want to believe it,” the Royals’ new manager Trey Hillman said. “But I’m no mathematician, and I’ve been shown the numbers. The dream is over.”

“Next year, we’ll just have to regroup, and see if we can’t make it into April with a shot.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Royals are still alive for a playoffs spot in the same way that the Rays and Orioles are still alive. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Charlie Weis’ Body Rejecting Gastric Bypass Surgery

April 25, 2008

(South Bend, IN) – Fresh off a historically disappointing season for his Notre Dame Fighting Irish, coach Charlie Weis finds himself in the middle of another struggle: a re-burgeoning midsection.

Long-afflicted with the weight of a small sperm whale, Weis considered a number of options to improve his health before resorting to bariatric, or gastric bypass surgery. Read more

Roethlisberger Takes Blame for Playoff Loss, Fart

April 25, 2008

Steeler Ben Roethlisberger Quarterback beard

(Pittsburgh, PA) – Fresh off a first-round playoff defeat at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars – the second home loss to the Jaguars in four weeks – the Pittsburgh Steelers were down in the dumps Sunday. And no Steeler was dumping harder than quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

“I have no excuses for my play out there. I stunk,” Roethlisberger said at a Sunday morning press conference. “We tried to come back after I had crapped things up, but by the end of the fourth, I was gassed.”

But the stinking didn’t end for Roethlisberger – who threw three interceptions in the first half – on the football field. As he readied himself to answer a question about the team’s two two-point conversion failures, it happened: he nearly cleared the press conference with powerfully reverberating flatulence.

“When you’re going for two… (grimaces)… going for two… (lifts leg)… I’m sorry folks. Speaking of two, I think I’ve got some more apologizing to do.”

Reporters immediately took Roethlisberger to task for his airy bowel-gift.

“Look, I could sit up here and say ‘he who smelt it, dealt it.’ But I’m not gonna do that,” the quarterback said. “I am a man, and I am responsible. And frankly, if I denied it, you would all know full well that I had supplied it.”

Roethlisberger refused to take full credit for the pungence of the fart, however. “Yeah, ok, I had some help. When you mix the hot salsa with the medium corn salsa at Chipotle, you’re liable to blow a hole in your shorts. Or poop yourself. I’d like to think I accomplished both here today.”

Roethlisberger then cut his portion of the press conference short to steal away to the restroom stating that he had to “drop a couple footballs in the endzone.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Big Ben did not fart in a press conference, and I’m sure if he did, it would smell like roses. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Nick Swisher on Arrest for Methamphetamine Possession; “Just Trying to Relate to My New Fans”

April 25, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Nick Swisher, newest member of the Chicago White Sox, was arrested early Sunday morning after police raided a meth lab near 35th and Shields. Swisher, along with two Sox fans, was found carrying an undisclosed amount of the highly addictive stimulant.

White Sox Nick Swisher fans arrest
Swisher (left) enjoys some quality time with two members of his new fanbase.

“I’m having the time of my life!” slurred the new Sox outfielder. “White Sox fans are the best in the world! And they have the finest Cristy around, baby!”

[Editor's note: At this point, Swisher was advised by his attorney, "Not to say another [freaking] word.”]

Swisher, known as a fan favorite and an affable clubhouse personality while in Oakland, is already doing his best to relate with the fans on the South Side of Chicago.

“Last night I got my first ‘booty bump,’” explained Swisher. “Who knew meth could be injected anally? I sure didn’t! What wonderful things I have already learned in my short time as a White Sox.”

[Editor's note: At this point, Swisher's attorney smacked him across the face with the back of his hand.]

“Swisher’s outgoing personality, grind-it-out style and high on-base percentage is just what the we were looking for,” said GM Kenny Williams. “If he has to do a little Stovetop on the side to maintain his status as ‘Fan Favorite,’ that’s Nick’s business…as long as he doesn’t get strung out on crack, like [name withheld]. Then we might have an issue.”

[Editor's note: At this point, Swisher excused himself as, "his skin was crawling with aphids."]

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Nick Swisher does not inject meth into his anus (or any other orifice). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone – visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)

NEWSBRIEF: Pittsburgh Penguins Respond to Washington Senators Signing Alexander Ovechkin to 13-year, $134 Million Extension by Signing Sidney Crosby to 16 Consecutive Lifetime Contracts

April 25, 2008

“Some people question just how productive Sidney will be when he’s 85,” Chairman Mario Lemieux said Friday. “Oh, and additionally, how productive he’ll be when he died 12 lifetimes ago. But we think we’re doing the right thing for this franchise. Sidney is pretty good at hockey.”

Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby Sports Illustrated

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