91st Indianapolis 500 to Run on Sunday, Nobody to Give a Shit
April 23, 2008
(Indianapolis, IN) – The historic Indiapolis 500 Grand Prix race will run this Sunday, May 25th. IndyCar series superstars like Helio Castoneves and Michael Andretti, as well as racing siren Danica Patrick, will all be participating. Race organizers are excited for the weekend’s festivities and look forward to a great race. But they do have just one concern: Nobody really gives a shit.
For years IndyCar fans have flocked to Indianapolis Motor Speedway for the Indy 500 to bask in the sun and take in terrific racing. But lately, interest in the “sport” has dipped – much of it stolen away by the wildly popular NASCAR series. NASCAR fan Earl “Bucket” Tibbs, 43, managed to string together enough moderately coherent sentence fragments to share his thoughts. “It used to be great Indy 500 we watch that stuff all the time, who boy. But now it ain’t. NASCAR where it at boys. I took my shirt off two year ago at Indy and they kicked my ass out. Forget that. Last year I took my pants off at Daytona and someone gave me a trophy. That’s where it’s at now, boy.”
IndyCar organizers have had trouble understanding and adjusting to the waining interest in their sport. “We just don’t get it,” said regional coordinator Mark Randolph. “Formula One has it all – fast cars going around a track again and again. Did I mention they’re fast? Because they are. Very. We think that’s a [pauses] formula for success! [waits for response] Nothing? I gotta stop letting my wife write my material.”
The race will start Sunday at 1 p.m., and those seeking tickets are encouraged to administer tack hammer blows to the forehead until the urge subsides.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Indy 500 is actually very… well, boring. Sorry. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)