Adam Dunn: “Singles are for Douchebags”
April 23, 2008
(Cincinnati, OH) – The Cincinnati Reds were victorious in their season opener against the Chicago Cubs, thanks in no small part to Adam Dunn’s two prodigious home runs, hit off Cubs’ ace, Carlos Zambrano. Perhaps inflated by excitement, Dunn proclaimed that for him, it was now home run or bust.
“[Forget] singles. I’m done with that [stuff]. Chicks don’t [have physical relations with] you because you can hit a single. Singles are for douchebags. Homers are for heroes. I’m done hitting  singles. From now on, if it doesn’t go over the fence, I’m not  running.”
When pressed, Dunn admitted that there are other outcomes at the plate that he might find acceptable.
“A walk, yeah ok. I’d take a walk. Sometimes chicks will give you a [manual sexual favor] for a walk. No, seriously. There’s this crazy  chick in Over the Rhine that takes care of me every time I walk. She calls it walks for [male sex organs]. Can I say [male sex organs]?”
Dunn will do his best to homer or walk when the Reds resume their opening series against the Cubs on Wednesday.
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)