Aramis Ramirez Strains Knee – In Soviet Russia, Knee Strains Ramirez
April 23, 2008
(Milwaukee, WI) – Chicago Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez left Wednesday’s game against the Brewers in the second inning after stretching to beat out an infield error. He has since returned to Chicago to have an MRI on the apparent knee strain, but he seemed to be in surprisingly good spirits.
“America! What a country!” Ramirez exclaimed on his return trip. “They can scan inside my knee to see if there is damage? In Soviet Russia, they scan inside my house to see where I am hiding!”
Ramirez’s teammates did not share his enthusiasm. “He’s one of the main components of our offense, and despite reports to the contrary, he’s become a pretty great defensive third baseman over the past couple of years,” Ryan Theriot said. “It’s gonna be really tough to win games without him in the lineup, so his joking about it kind of pissing us off.”
Mark DeRosa agreed. “As soon as [the knee strain] happened, [Ramirez] comes back to the dugout with a huge smile on his face, saying things like ‘What a country’ and ‘Here, I strain knee, in Soviet Russia, knee strains me’ and just crazy [stuff] like that. I mean, we all get it. Yakov Smirnoff. Nobody has laughed at that [stuff] in forever. The Soviet Union broke up like 20 years ago.”
Ramirez said he didn’t understand his teammates’ furor. “How can they be angry in country like this? I am paid more than 10 million American dollars to hit ball with stick. What a country! In Soviet Russia, I pay government $10 to not hit me in balls with stick!”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Aramis did not do or say these things, and nobody but Flexwell would be lame enough to make these out-dated jokes. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)