Blanka tired of younger brother, Prince, getting all the attention
April 23, 2008
(São Paulo, Brazil) – The gradual decline in popularity of the Street Fighter videogame franchise coupled with Prince Fielder’s rise to baseball stardom has added to the inner-turmoil suffered by the once-legendary Blanka, or Hamablanka Fielder.
Legend has it that Blanka was raised in the Brazilian jungles by wild beasts after a tragic plane crash, but the feral Blanka tells an entirely different story altogether.
“Cecil abandon me and leave me on doorstep of church. He look me green skin and orange hair and him scared. GRAAARGH! BLANKA SAD ABOUT DADDY CECIL LEAVING BLANKA! WHY HIM DO THAT?!”
Sibling rivalry often rears its ugly head during Fielder family reunions.
Blanka paused to run to a nearby stream, pull a squirming arapaima from the water, and bite its head off.
“Prince not want to admit Blanka him’s brother. But Blanka pointed out we have same prominent lower jaw and exaggerated underbite. Prince then see. But Prince still BITCH and me going to perform electric thunder attack on him at Fielder Family Barbecue tonight.”
When pointing out Prince’s hot start for the first-place Milwaukee Brewers and his impressive home run hitting, Blanka scoffed.
“Did Prince beat M. Bison in street fight with ground shave rolling attack? No? Hmmm. Blanka wonder who did that…yeah…me wonder…”
A tragic side-note related to this story; when sent on assignment to obtain comments from the Fielder family, Eugene Fitswell was critically injured when Prince mounted Eugene and bit off half of his face.
We’re all pulling for you, Eugene.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone – visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)