Blind Retarded Ape Feces Which Comprises Cubs’ Management “Not Great at Baseball Stuff”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – There is unrest in Cub nation. Fans are growing increasingly disillusioned with the Cubs’ mediocre performance, and management’s confused actions. Fans say that eventually, they might reconsider their allegiance to an organization run by blind, retarded, ape feces.
Chicagoan James Pressley, 27, believes it’s time for change. “Look, I came into this thing not expecting perfection. I understand that blind, retarded, ape feces is not Billy Beane. But at some point, you have to ask yourself if the blind, retarded, ape feces running your organization is the right blind, retarded, ape feces for the job. They just don’t seem particularly great at, you know, baseball stuff.”
Asked for comment, Cubs’ blind, retarded, ape feces gurgled softly, emitted a pungent hiss, and demoted Ryan Theriot to AAA.
Penny Wyler, 32, echoed Pressley’s sentiments. “Having five starting-calibre outfielders for three spots is bad, but understandable. Stuff like that is forgiveable. But I can’t imagine even average blind, retarded, ape feces making some of the decisions the Cubs’ blind, retarded, ape feces has made. Guzman yanked from the rotation? Dempster going into the rotation? I’m beginning to think our blind, retarded, ape feces does not have all that much baseball experience.”
The blind, retarded, ape feces that is Cubs’ management has claimed that it, more than anyone, truly hopes the Cubs do not flush the season down the toilet. We shall see.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs’ management is not actually blind, retarded, or comprised of ape excrement – the astute reader will note that the above picture is actually coyote poop. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)