Bonds hits home run 740, draws Pluto into head’s orbit

April 23, 2008

(San Francisco, CA) – With his home run against the Arizona Diamondbacks, Barry Bonds drew one step closer to Hank Aaron’s historic mark and now stands 15 home runs away from the hallowed record. In other Bonds-related news, the International Astronomical Union defined the term “planet” for the first time, excluding Pluto and reported that this former planet has left the sun’s orbit and is now circling Barry Bonds’ swollen cranium.

“The members of the astronomical community are stunned,” said M. Woolfson, author of The Origin and Evolution of the Solar System. “This marks the first occasion since the beginning of recorded time that a celestial body has left the orbit of a star or planet and joined the orbit of a man’s skull. To put it succinctly, Barry Bonds has a huge [freaking] dome!”

Barry Bonds Giant Head Steroids
Planets and dwarf planets of the Bonds system; while the size is to scale, the relative distances from the Bonds’ head are not.

When reached for comment, Jeff Boris, Barry Bonds’ agent remarked, “Why does the press have to blow everything out of proportion? Honestly. This is insane. You heard the reports; Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore – it’s a ‘dwarf planet’ similar to Sedna, Orcus, or Quaoar. This barely qualifies as news, people. Now if you’ll excuse me, there have been reports of an asteroid on a collision course with my client’s head.”

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