Cesar Izturis Tests Positive for Performance-Decreasing Drugs
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Cesar Izturis is unlikely to play with the Cubs this weekend as the Nationals visit because he has failed a mandatory drug test. Izturis’ urine samples tested positive for crummocrapastinklone, a drug commonly linked with decreasing a player’s performance on the diamond.
Izturis was unavailable for comment, but several of his teamates were already speaking out about the test results. “Sure, we were a little suspicious,” Derrek Lee said. “Ok, so he’s bad, yeah. But after a while, you start to wonder. Can a guy naturally really be this bad?”
Infielder Ronny Cedeno was upset by the news. “He didn’t need to do this. He was already pretty darn bad,” Cedeno said. “How much worse does a guy really need to get? When he started sucking in the field, I knew something was up, and frankly it really makes me mad. I have worked so hard to suck naturally that it is an insult to hard-working guys like me to hear that he’s been reducin’.”
In related news, former Cub pitcher Glendon Rusch has tested positive for Crisco.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Cesar did not say, do, or pee these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)