Citing Signability Concerns, Cubs Pass on Wieters – Instead Draft Upper East Colorado Valley State Community College Reserve Outfielder/Super Special Team Manager Timmy Gobbles

April 23, 2008

(Orlando, FL) – Speculation abounded early this afternoon as the Chicago Cubs officially made their first round selection in this year’s MLB first-year player draft. Would it be high school flame-thrower Rick Porcello? Switch-hitting Georgia Tech catcher Matt Wieters? In the end, largely due to financial considerations stemming from the sale of the team, the Cubs went with a young man – though not as young as the Chicago Bulls – they knew they could sign: former South Park Elementary star, and current Upper East Colorado Valley State Community College reserve outfielder and team manager Timmy Gobbles.

South Park Timmay
The Cubs reportedly struggled to the last minute in deciding between Gobbles and his sometimes nememis, rangey shortstop James “Jimmy” Vulmer (pictured right, above). Vulmer went three picks later and after loud cheers remarked, “Wow, what a great audience.”

“We really liked Rick [Porcello] and [Matt] Wieters, too. But in the end, when you’ve got a special guy on the board at your pick, you’ve just got to take him,” Cubs Scouting Director Tim Wilken said. “Signability was a consideration, sure. But Timmy has so much fight in him, and he’s a great clubhouse guy, too. He knows his plays, and knows when not to talk back. Also, he can’t walk, so we save money on cleats and stuff like that.”

Gobbles’ mother, Irene, said Timmy was thrilled about the selection, and although he always smiles, she could tell this time was different. “Timmy is so excited to be a part of the Cubs organization, and looks forward to the challenges of professional baseball,” she said. “He can’t speak, walk, hit or throw the ball, and he can’t run the bases with any semblance of awareness, so we really feel like the Cubs are a great fit.”

Shortly after the selection, the Gobbles headed out from the Orlando sports complex where the draft was being held to have a celebratory dinner at McDonalds.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs did not do or say these things, and have said that with Michael Barrett, they have met their mentally-handicapped quota for the season. And it’s better than drafting Greg Oden. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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