Clubhouse Baffled, Unnerved by Matt Murton’s Assertion that He’d “Do Renee Zellweger”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – As the Cubs were coming down from their 15-inning heartbreaking loss to the Pirates early Wednesday morning, the clubhouse was abuzz with something else very disappointing: Matt Murton finds Renee Zellweger attractive.
“It all started when Alfie [Alfonso Soriano] was talkin’ about that Shakira and Beyonce song, and he was saying that without a doubt, he would totally do both of them,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “At once, separately, with or without ricotta cheese. Whatever, you know?”
But then things took a sinister turn. Barrett recalled, “Murton turns to me and says, ‘Yeah, they’re pretty hot. But you know who is just crazy hot? Renee Zellweger. I’d totally do her.’ It was awful, man. It was like he was completely unaware that she’s a hideous man-monster from the deep.”
The bizzare and terrifying revelation spiraled through the clubhouse and eventually made its way to the coaching staff. Hitting coach Gerald Perry was especially disappointed. “You spend hours and hours teaching a kid what to hit. And it’s like he wasn’t even listening.” Manager Lou Piniella was also upset, “He wonders why he isn’t getting more playing time. It’s [stuff] like this.”
Murton quickly tried to back down from his statement, claiming that, “I thought she was one of those chicks in Hanson. They were hot.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Matt did not say, do, or think these things. And Renee Zellweger is… gulp… a very… ok… looking… um… handsome woman. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)