Cubs Suspicious of Ramirez’s Latest Ailment: Bulimia
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs placed third baseman Aramis Ramirez on the disabled list earlier this week in what has become a seemingly bi-annual tradition. Though his injuries are usually legitimate and confirmed by Cubs trainers, the team is slightly suspicious of his latest ailment: the eating disorder, bulimia nervosa.
Ramirez said that he has struggled with the disease since childhood. “I don’t care if the Cubs call me a liar. I have bolomia. It’s awful, and I’ve had it since I was young. I contracted the disease from the bite of an antelope. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, and I have patchy spots on my knuckles,” Ramirez said before a brief conversation with his agent. After returning, Ramirez said, “I meant bulimia, of course. Vomiting. Yes. That’s what I do. I am injured and cannot play baseball right now due to the vomiting.”
This is apparently not the first time that one of Ramirez’s injuries or ailments has raised a red flag with the team. “Yeah, they’ve questioned some of my injuries before. Like last July, I really did have hip-replacement surgery. My grandma was going at the same time, and she had a two-for-one coupon. Are you gonna tell me you wouldn’t have done the same?”
The list of Ramirez’s ailments over the past two years has ranged from the mundane – pulled hamstring, strained knee, stiff back – to the slightly more exotic – swine flu, toxic shock syndrome, and a bout with ovarian cancer.
“I’m not trying to be a jerk, but I just don’t believe him,” an anonymous teammate said. “I know what bulimia looks like, and Aramis Ramirez is not nearly as sexy as the Olsen twins.”
The Cubs hope to have Ramirez back later this month, and have demoted outfielder Matt Murton to AAA Iowa so that when Ramirez does return to the team, he is unlikely to contract Murton’s gingivitis and be out for the remainder of the season.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Aramis did not say or do these things and we’re sure that his injuries are all legitimate and debilitating. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)