Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden

April 23, 2008

Greg Oden Ohio State

(Chicago, IL) – After spending more than $300 million in the offseason, the Chicago Cubs have struggled out of the gate, limping to an early 9-13 record. But the Cubs are telling fans not to worry because they have a plan: they’re losing on purpose so they can select Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden in the upcoming NBA draft.

“We know fans have been concerned with the team’s early losses, but we want to assure all Cub fans that we know what we’re doing,” President John McDonough said Friday. “Greg Oden is a dominating presence in the post. He can score, he can rebound, and he plays great defense. He’s exactly what we need. And he’s charismatic, too. I can market the heck out of that guy!”

Cub players aren’t as confident in the plan, but they say they trust the front office. “At first I was a little concerned because Greg Oden plays basketball and is going to be in the NBA draft, not the Major League Baseball draft. I mean, I was pretty sure they are like, completely different drafts. And different sports,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “But regardless of what we think, and regardless of how [freaking mentally-challenged] the front office seems, they know what they’re doing. They’ve got a proven track record, at least when it comes to trying to lose.”

The Cubs, winners of two in a row, will try to get back to their losing ways this afternoon in St. Louis when the Cubs take on the Cardinals in the second game of their three-game weekend series.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. John McDonough did not actually say or do these things. The Cubs Front Office is actually totally super duper awesome! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


2 Responses to “Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden”

  1. Chicago Bulls Decide to Go Very Young in NBA Draft - Take Freshman Derrick Rose in First, Zygote in Second | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Humor and Sports Parody News on June 27th, 2008 7:42 am

    [...] were drafted, and it was the first time ever that freshman went 1-2-3 in the draft – though freshman Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went 1-2 last [...]

  2. Citing Signability Concerns, Cubs Pass on Wieters - Instead Draft Upper East Colorado Valley State Community College Reserve Outfielder/Super Special Team Manager Timmy Gobbles | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on September 16th, 2008 8:54 pm

    [...] with Michael Barrett, they have met their mentally-handicapped quota for the season. And it’s better than drafting Greg Oden. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. [...]

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