Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – After spending more than $300 million in the offseason, the Chicago Cubs have struggled out of the gate, limping to an early 9-13 record. But the Cubs are telling fans not to worry because they have a plan: they’re losing on purpose so they can select Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden in the upcoming NBA draft.
“We know fans have been concerned with the team’s early losses, but we want to assure all Cub fans that we know what we’re doing,” President John McDonough said Friday. “Greg Oden is a dominating presence in the post. He can score, he can rebound, and he plays great defense. He’s exactly what we need. And he’s charismatic, too. I can market the heck out of that guy!”
Cub players aren’t as confident in the plan, but they say they trust the front office. “At first I was a little concerned because Greg Oden plays basketball and is going to be in the NBA draft, not the Major League Baseball draft. I mean, I was pretty sure they are like, completely different drafts. And different sports,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “But regardless of what we think, and regardless of how [freaking mentally-challenged] the front office seems, they know what they’re doing. They’ve got a proven track record, at least when it comes to trying to lose.”
The Cubs, winners of two in a row, will try to get back to their losing ways this afternoon in St. Louis when the Cubs take on the Cardinals in the second game of their three-game weekend series.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. John McDonough did not actually say or do these things. The Cubs Front Office is actually totally super duper awesome! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)