Cubs to Erect Statue of Ernie Banks, Ryan Dempster to Laugh at Word “Erect”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs announced last month that they will be erecting a statue of Ernie Banks by Opening Day 2008 to pay tribute to the man who has come to be known as “Mr. Cub.” While the Cubs erect the statue, Cubs closer Ryan Dempster will celebrate in his own way: by laughing at the word “erect.”
“Yup. (snicker) The Cubs… (laugh) are going to… (guffaw) … ERECT a statue!” chortled Dempster when he heard the news. “They aren’t going to ‘put it up.’ They aren’t going to ‘build’ it. They’re going to ‘erect’ it. Oh man, I love this team. They haven’t given me this much material since they told me I’d be taking over the closer ‘doodies,’” Dempster continued with a belly-laugh.
Dempster’s unique sense of humor is well known around the clubhouse. “Oh yeah, he’s always laughing at stuff like that,” Manager Lou Piniella said. “I swear to God he walks guys just so he can hear the umpire say ‘four balls.’ One time he came into the dugout after handing out a few walks in an inning and said, ‘Hey, did you hear how many guys on their team have four balls?’ We all laughed, but it’s still not appropriate. Ok, well [unitesticular catcher] Michael Barrett didn’t laugh.”
Fellow relief pitcher Bob Howry agreed with Piniella. “This statue thing is just the tip of the iceberg (Dempster is heard laughing in the background shrieking “the tip!”). Can you imagine golfing with that guy? We go every couple of weeks, and it’s continuously stroke this, shaft that. It’s a nightmare.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ryan would never laugh at something so juvenile, and we’re certain that Ernie has gotten at least a halfie at some point in the last four decades. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)