Cubs to Go with One-Man Rotation
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – After Wade Miller’s poor outing on Sunday against the Cardinals, Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Piniella has decided it’s time for a change. The Cubs’ short-lived experiment with a five-man pitching rotation is over.
“Yeah, we tried to give it a go with five starters, but I just don’t think it’s working anymore. We’re gonna have to go back to a one-man rotation of Rich Hill,” Piniella said Monday morning. “[Wade] Miller has been awful, [Carlos] Zambrano isn’t exactly winning the Cy Young [award], I’ve never liked [Jason] Marquis, and the offense refuses to score when [Ted] Lilly pitches. So we’re going with Hill.”
According to ESPN baseball expert Buster Olney, who had never heard of the Cubs, the move is unprecedented. “Are you [freaking] serious? One guy? That’s ridiculous. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Olney said.
The Cubs are more optimistic. Hill has been excellent on the year, going 3-0 for the Cubs with a miniscule 0.41 ERA. Hill says he’s ready for the move. “I’m not gonna lie. I kinda wondered how long it was gonna take for them to get me out there a little more often. I just want to do whatever helps the Cubs win, and if it means throwing 1300 innings this season, I’m up for it.”
Hill will start in place of Carlos Zambrano this evening against the Brewers, and after undergoing a special stretching program designed just for Hill by the Cubs training staff, he will either go again for the Cubs on Tuesday, or be out of baseball forever.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)