Cubs Trade Embattled Catcher After Panty-less Escapade
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs dealt catcher Michael Barrett to the San Diego Padres yesterday for catcher Rob Bowen and a minor league outfielder. The time had come for the Cubs and Barrett to part ways after a series of embarrassing episodes. First it was Barrett’s string of mental lapses on the field. Then it was his very public spats with two Cub pitchers – including a physical altercation in the dugout with ace Carlos Zambrano, which ultimately led to Zambrano losing an ear.
But things came to a bitter head over the weekend when pictures surfaced on the internet of Michael Barrett, in a drunken stupor, exiting a car and revealing that he was not wearing underwear. The trade came just days later.
“It was clear that it was time for both us and Michael to move on,” Cubs GM Jim Hendry said. “We tried to make it work, but the guy is just not all there anymore. He’s going out without underwear on, he’s shaving his head, he’s dropping his children, he’s beating on cars with umbrellas. It’s just not the image we want to convey. We wear panties in this organization.”
Galpal Paris Hilton said people have been puzzled as to why Barrett was not wearing underwear, but was wearing a helmet. Hilton explained that “if you’ve ever met Michael, you’d understand why he always wears a helmet.”
Not only did the underwear-less photos of Barrett leave the Cubs embarrassed, but they also left the team confused. “I mean, I know he had that um, testicle injury last year,” gritty Cubs second baseman Mike Fontenot said (Barrett suffered a ruptured testicle from a foul ball last year, which subsequently led to the testicle’s removal). “But these photos… I mean, they were something entirely different. He, uh, how do I say this? I mean… he looks like he’s an innie now.”
Manager Lou Piniella agreed that it was time for Barrett to go. “He had gotten out of control. He could not have played that idiotically unless he was drunk every day.”
“And that’s not the only thing,” Piniella continued. “You call a guy a ‘bonehead’ a few times, and all he hears are ‘bone’ and ‘head.’ We just don’t take to man-tramps here in Chicago,” Piniella said. “Especially man-tramps with a crotch area that looks like a badly trimmed Shar-Pei.”
Barrett arrived in San Diego late Wednesday night where he checked into rehab and proclaimed himself “completely cured” in time for the Padres game Thursday afternoon.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. There were probably other reasons for trading Michael Barrett, and we’re sure he wears panties. I mean underwear. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)