Felix Pie to Daryl Ward: “Stop trying to eat me!”

April 23, 2008

Felix Pie pictures

(Chicago, IL) – Center field prospect phenom, Felix Pie, has been called up from AAA Iowa to temporarily replace Alfonso Soriano in center for the Chicago Cubs. Pie, 22, is enjoying his first taste of the big leagues. His only complaint is that a teammate is trying to enjoy a taste of something else: Felix Pie.

“I’m so excited to be a part of the big team. I’ve got a lot to learn, but I really think I can help out,” Pie said. “Everyone has been really helpful and encouraging so far, and I love the guys in the clubhouse. The only real problem is that Daryl Ward keeps trying to eat me.”

Upon learning that Pie was being promoted to the major league team, rotund Cub bench player, Daryl Ward, was reportedly overcome with joy. “Seriously? Pie is joining the team? I’m so freaking excited. I love Pie!”

Aside from informing Ward that his name is pronounced “pee-ay,” Pie has had to remind Ward on at least four occasions already that he is not an item of food. “He keeps coming at me with a can of Reddi-Wip [whipped cream] and this crazy look in his eye. I’m a little afraid to sit in the dugout between innings.”

Pie will do his best to keep from being eaten alive by both Ward and major league pitching later this afternoon as the Cubs continue their home series with the San Diego Padres.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


Got something to say?

You must be logged in to post a comment.