Henry Blanco to Go on Disabled List – Fans Wonder Exactly When He Was “Abled”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs today placed back-up catcher Henry Blanco on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 31, with a cervical herniated disc. The move has left Cub fans wondering one thing: was Henry Blanco really ever “abled” to begin with?
The 35-year-old Blanco has backed up Michael Barrett on the Cubs for parts of the past three seasons, and has never been particularly good. “I mean, it’s not cool if he’s hurt or whatever,” Wrigleyville fan Robby Kopeke pondered, “but I’m just really confused. How is Henry now disabled? Wasn’t he always?”
Blanco, who sports a career .224 average, was also confused by the move. “The label of ‘disabled,’ I understand,” Blanco explained. “But why now? I’m a worse hitter than many of the pitchers on the team. How does that make me ‘abled’? Let’s be real. I’ve never been ‘abled.’ I should have been on the disabled list for my entire career,” Blanco continued. “I’m no different today than I was a week ago. ‘Cervical herniated disc?’ Come on. Even I can tell that’s made up, and I’m mentally disabled.”
The Cubs have called up a sack of flour from AAA Iowa to take Blanco’s roster spot while he recuperates.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Henry did not say or do these things, and I’m sure he’s better at baseball than most sacks of flour. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)