Jim Hendry to Replace Rosie O’Donnell on ‘The View’
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – As the Cubs’ turnaround on the field continues, another turnaround in the Cubs’ front office is taking shape: General Manager Jim Hendry is leaving the team to pursue other interests.
“Baseball has always been my second love,” Hendry said as he was packing up his office Wednesday evening. “I like the spirit of the game, and I like scouting, and of course, the per diem. But it just isn’t my first love,” Hendry continued. “My first love has, and always will be, the free and open exchange of deeply-held beliefs and opinions on pressing women’s issues. That is why, beginning on Monday July 16, I will be replacing Rosie O’Donnell as a co-host on ABC’s hit daytime women’s talk show, ‘The View’.”
After sqeezing in a photoshoot – and squeezing into his wardrobe – Hendry remarked that hardcore ‘View’ fans need not fear: “I won’t be dropping my weight like that trampy vixen, Star Jones.”
The Cubs were saddened by the move, but did not seem altogether surprised. “Look, Jim has always had a thing for overpriced vets coming off one really good year, so this move makes sense,” Cubs outfielder Daryl Ward said.
Hendry says that he knows he has big shoes to fill, but he’s ready for the challenge. “Rosie was great, everyone knows that. And sexy. But I’m excited to take over for her, and I think I can do the things Rosie was known for just as well as she did. I plan to feud with a balding, multibillionaire real estate tycoon (though in Hendry’s case, it’s likely to be placeholder Cubs owner Sam Zell), just like Rosie. I plan to continue fighting with and secretly lusting after Elizabeth Hasselbeck, just like Rosie.”
“I might try to be less controversial, but I will also not back away from advancing her totally not over-the-top, not-too-much-in-your-face, and completely incidental gay rights agenda. And finally, a chance to nail Barbara Walters.”
Finally, Hendry added that he intends to keep a little controversy surrounding the show by espousing evidentiarily-supportable, well-documented, and completely retarded conspiracy theories. And slapping around Elisabeth Hasselbeck from time to time.
Hendry won’t be alone when he starts at ‘The View.’ Shortly after leaving the Cubs, Hendry announced that he had signed former Cubs pitcher Glendon Rusch to a two-year, $10 million contract to serve as Hendry’s sidekick and “official food-taster.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jim did not say or do these things, and he is not [yet] leaving the Cubs. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)