Lilly Pitch Hits Renteria – Psychic Friend Umpire Cleo Wolf Ejects Cubs
April 23, 2008
(Atlanta, GA) – With tensions running high, the hostility of the previous night bubbled over early Monday evening when Chicago Cubs starter Ted Lilly hit Braves shortstop Edgar Renteria with a high and tight fastball. As Renteria staggered toward the mound, homeplate umpire and Psychic Friend Jim “Miss Cleo” Wolf immediately ejected Lilly.
In an exchange caught by the ESPN microphone he was wearing for the game, Wolf explained his decision to Cub skipper Lou Piniella. “I knew he was going to do it. I was waiting for it,” Wolf said. “Ever since I was little,” he continued, “I have just been able to see things. Like Desmond on ‘Lost,’ I, too, knew Charlie was going to die, and I most definitely knew that Lilly was going to throw at the Braves.”
More astonishingly, after Lilly was ejected, Wolf proceeded to eject each and every one of the Cubs except reliever Scott Eyre.
Asked what had happened, Cubs reliever Will Ohman was baffled. “He just started running to every [Cub player] on the field and in the dugout and throwing them out of the game,” said Ohman. “He ran up to the bullpen and stared at Bob [Howry], and said something like ‘You were just about to spit on me, weren’t you? You are outta here!’ It was crazy. And then he comes running up to me, kind of rubs his temples a little bit, and screams, ‘You were just about to [have intimate sexual relations with] my mother, weren’t you!’ and he rung me, too. I mean, I was, but there’s just no way he could have known that.”
Renteria, who subsequent to the hit-by-pitch stole second base, sliding in with a forearm raised and striking Cubs second baseman Mike Fontenot, was later awarded with a Medal of Honor by Wolf.
Artist’s rendition of Renteria’s slide into Fontenot (provided courtesy of Tim Souers at Cubby-Blue.com). Renteria’s lack of bones in his left arm allowed him strike Fontenot from an exceptionally wide angle, and allows him anything he wants from the clubhouse vending machine.
“I could tell Edgar [Renteria] had nothing but good intentions,” Wolf said. “He’s a true hero, with the heart and spirit of a warrior – incidentally he was a warrior in a past life. Do you wonder about your past lives? Call me now!”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs did not do or say these things, and Jim Wolf is not a psychic (but he is a douchebag). No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)