Local Blockbuster Refuses to Rent Pornography to Derrek Lee
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – On Friday night, Derrek Lee headed to Blockbuster Video to do what any normal, married, American male likes to do that time of the week: rent nasty, low-budget lesbian pornography. But the visit wasn’t a happy one for Lee. He was told to do his business – and “do his business” – somewhere else.
“Look, I love the Cubs, and I love Derrek Lee,” night manager Brian Mayer explained. “But we all saw what happened to him last year. He broke that wrist, and he was out almost all season. And we stunk without him. No sir, I’m not willing to take the risk of being responsible for aggravating that prior injury. And don’t get me started on what could happen with that neck injury he’s got now.”
Lee protested, but Mayer stood firm. “If I rented him that copy of ‘V for Vagina,’ there was only one outcome. He tried to tell me he could switch-hit, but I just wasn’t buying it.” Lee’s first attempt at mainstream cinema viewing was also rebuffed by Mayer. “Yeah, he put back the stag flick, and brought up ‘New York Minute’ [the 2004 comedy starring Eugene Levy and Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen], but I still couldn’t rent it to him. He had this look in his eye like he wasn’t getting the movie for its brilliant acting and delightful plot devices.”
Ultimately, Mayer allowed Lee to rent “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” “It was a close call,” Mayer said, “but I think I made the right decision.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Derrek Lee would never attempt to rent pornography. Probably. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)