Opinion: I Will Kill You for your iPhone
April 23, 2008
by Mark DeRosa
Hello, friend. I see you have a brand new Apple iPhone, released by Apple today. It looks very cool.
May I see it? May I keep it?
Others who were unable or unwilling to wait in line to procure one on their own may make offers to you for your iPhone. They may offer you money or goods or services or household pets. I am prepared to make you a substantial offer.
I will kill you for your iPhone.
I know I said it last year when you got your Wii, before I ultimately bought one on eBay for $900. But this time I mean it. I must be the first to have it. I need reliable phone service. I need customizable and friendly interface. I need a camera. I need broadband-quality internet service on a hand-held. I need data. I need email. I need charts. I need a touch screen. I need love. And I need it all in one pocket-sized ball of magic. You have one. And I need it.
I have killed for less. I shot a gun for a PSP. I stabbed for an iPod. I staged an elaborate series of pulleys and wire traps for a Tamagotchi. And I have severely maimed for an Easy Bake Oven.
I have also killed at the suggestion that I bore hermaphroditic tendencies. And then I took his calculator watch.
Why don’t I just buy one? Two reasons 1.) killing/stealing gives me a cheap thrill and makes me feel like a big man, and 2.) shut up. So killing it is.
You must promise not to return as a zombie or any other undead. You may haunt me, but you may not touch the iPhone. It is mine now.
I will kill you for your iPhone. Thank you for your attention this matter.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mark DeRosa did not write this piece, and presumably, he purchased his Tamagotchi. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)