Albert Pujols Adjusting to Life in His 40s

April 23, 2008

albert pujols pictures

(Chicago, IL) – St. Louis Cardinals First Baseman Albert Pujols is trying his best to shake off the rust of the offseason and of old age, as he and the Cardinals are scuffling a bit out of the gate this season. Pujols, who turned approximately 40 earlier this week, is struggling to break the .200 mark so far this year.

“I just can’t do all the things I used to be able to do. I can still swing the bat a bit, but my reaction time is fading, my legs are shaky, and my memory isn’t great, either. My reaction time is also slower,” Pujols said after the Cardinals lost to the Cubs in Chicago Saturday afternoon. The Dominican-born Pujols was 1 for 3, which brought his season average up to .203.

New York Met and octagenarian Julio Franco says he can relate to the adjustments Pujols is facing. “It’s hard when your legs start to go a little bit, and you’ve got that first hip replacement. And you just can’t steal second as well when you’re carting the oxygen tank. My walker helps, though.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Albert did not say or do these things, although the crappy batting average is true. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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