Sammy Sosa on Comeback: “The steroids have really helped!”
April 23, 2008
(Arlington, TX) – Former Chicago Cub superstar, Sammy Sosa, is enjoying something of a comeback this season with the Texas Rangers after being out of baseball in 2006. Sosa and Cubs parted ways after the 2004 season, and after spending a disappointing 2005 season with the Baltimore Orioles, Sammy left the game.
“My passion was missing. My heart just wasn’t in the game anymore, and obviously my play had deteriorated. I didn’t think I would find that spark again – that indescribable desire to run, throw, catch, to hit… nay, to live!” Sosa declared.
What did it take to get Sammy back into baseball? “About 70 pounds of elephant-grade anabolic steroids,” he said. “I didn’t realize how much I was missing the sweet kiss of the needle, just as I was missing the sweet kisses I blow to my momma when I send one deep. This comeback would not have been possible without my juice. I would probably still be hitting .180 without it, but I wouldn’t have SO many home runs!”
When informed that steroids are illegal and banned from baseball, Sammy remarked, “I, uh (*incoherent*), I can’t… I do not the, uh … understand question… I sorry.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sammy did not say or do (allegedly) these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)