Snow Relieved to Learn Cubs Aren’t Playing
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – April snow has been plaguing much of the northern Midwest for the last week, and it came to Chicago in full force on Wednesday. Did the snow have any thoughts on visiting the famed Windy City? It did: Thank God the Cubs aren’t playing.
“My cousin knew I was coming to town, and he was all like, ‘Oh man, we gotta go see the Cubs, I’ll get us tickets.’ I was dreading it. I’ve been watching that awful sack of crap of a baseball team struggle out of the gate, and frankly I’m already sick of it,” the snow said. “$250, $300 million? What did they spend this offseason? And this is how they start the season? You have to be kidding me. I may be merely the solid physical state of precipitated water, but I know a crummy team when I see one. I’m just thanking my lucky stars that I didn’t have to watch that team while I’m here in Chicago. There were plenty of free tickets available to go see the Sox, anyway.”
When informed that the Cubs were not playing on Wednesday because of the snow’s arrival, the snow beamed. “You mean it’s because of me? I thought I just got lucky to get here on an off-day. Well… consider it my gift to Chicago.”
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The snow did not say or do these things. I’m sure he’s (it’s?) a great and honorable man (state?), and no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)