SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate – or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – On Friday afternoon, Carlos Zambrano decided to stop fighting the voices in his head, and gave in when he got into a dugout fight with teamate Michael Barrett. The Cubs, losers of five in a row and nine of their last eleven, were on their way to defeat after a disasterous fifth inning which saw Barrett allow a run to score on a passed ball followed by a throwing error. Zambrano confronted Barrett in the dugout after the half inning, apparently about Barrett’s errors and game-calling.
It has since been reported that the fight was actually about Barrett’s constant barbs at Sanjaya, Zambrano’s favorite former American Idol contestant.
The two had to be separated by teamates and coaches. Zambrano was sent to the clubhouse, where Barrett followed to finish the scuffle. Obviously the team was confused and concerned about the fight – and so were the participants. “I was really shocked at first when he came at me,” said Michael Barrett. “At first, I flashed on AJ [Pierzynski], but then I remembered that Zambrano has a penis and is slightly more batsh*t crazy.”
Others weighed in on the now infamous dugout incident. “Did you see how Zambrano swung at him?” hitting coach Gerald Perry said. “Them were p*ssy swings. And Barrett didn’t even swing. I knew I hadn’t taught these guys to hit for sh**.”
Manager Lou Piniella was enraged by the fight, and showed more emotion than he has all year. “You’re damn right I was pissed off,” shouted Piniella in a post-game news conference. “You’ve seen the pictures. I jumped right up and I was screaming. During the fight, some a**hole stepped on my last meat pie. With f*cking cleats!”
“Meat pies, meat pies, hairy scary meat pies! What will I do without my meat pies?” lamented a visibly shaken Piniella after the game. “Oh, and additionally, we f*cking suck at baseball.”
As for Zambrano, the clubhouse was reportedly a mess following his dismissal. “Oh yeah, he tore that place up pretty good,” said Aramis Ramirez. “I went back there after the fight to see what was going on, and Zambrano was back there breaking bats, punching lockers, sending dozens of e-mails to family members in Caracas, sniffing athletic supporters, chewing pine tar… you know, normal Zambrano stuff. But then he got this look in his eye and said ‘They’ll all love me soon,’ and he cut off his freaking ear!”
Zambrano allegedly told teamates his left ear had become greedy and untrustworthy.
General Manager Jim Hendry, away from Wrigley for the day while scouting for the upcoming draft, was at a loss. “We’re really in a bad place right now, both as a team and as an organization. And now we’ve got to deal with this,” Hendry opined. “I just don’t know. I mean, I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with Zambrano. And I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with this (holds up bloody shoebox containing tissue paper, baby’s breath, and a left ear).”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Well, sadly, probably the funniest part of the story – the fight, itself – is actually true. But for the most part, no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)