Tiger Woods: “Call me Chupacabra Woods”
April 23, 2008
(Dublin, OH) – Fresh off defeat at The Memorial where he was never really in contention, and after comments by fellow golfer Rory Sabbatini that he was more beatable than ever, Tiger Woods is taking dramatic steps to reclaim his position atop the PGA tour: He’s changing his name.
“The name ‘Tiger’ no longer instills fear in my competition,” Woods explained. “I needed something new that would really terrify the other golfers. Eldrick never really scared anyone, and I was always a God-awful golfer, so from the very beginning I knew I needed an edge. My name was my edge. Grrr. I’m the Tiger! You see? I saw you cringe in terror. But my opponents, they’ve become used to the Tiger. I needed a new name – a new identity. I am the Chupacabra. Fear my scales!”
Woods plans not only to change his nickname, but also his biochemical and genetic makeup. “It’s not enough to be called Chupacabra, I must become Chupacabra.” When asked how he plans to initiate such a transformation, Woods scoffed, “I’ll have one bite me, obviously. I’ve seen Danny DeVito around town. A guy who looks like that can’t be purely human.”
Artists rendition of what Chupacabra Woods will look like. Note this rendition is indeed post-change.
“I’m tired of trying to win tournaments with precision accuracy and clutch putting,” Woods continued. “I will now win the way golfers were intended to: by systematically dissolving my opponents’ internal organs and removing and eating their eyes and genitalia.”
“I have honed my new skills by practicing against goats and small cows. The cows had a sick short game, but I think it was my tenacity that won out in the end. My tenacity, and my 57 pounds per square inch of bite pressure.”
Woods’ absurdly mismatched beauty of a wife, Elin Nordegren, says that although at first she resisted the move, she will support her husband. “Yes, at first I was against it. I was afraid of what it would be like to be (pauses) intimate with a mythical goat-sucking beast,” Nordegren explained. “But then I remembered that I have only ever been intimate with Tiger once anyway, and that was an accidental handy on our honeymoon, so I figured what the heck.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Tiger did not say or do these things, and neither did his trophy Elin. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)