Ward Wins One for the Cubs in Extras – Celebrates by Going on Pic-a-nic Basket Nabbing Spree
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Daryl Ward was the hero Sunday afternoon at Wrigley Field, but by Sunday evening, he was the goat. The Cubs were tied 3-3 in the 10th with the visiting Washington Nationals when Daryl Ward smacked a single into deep left field, scoring Matt Murton, and giving the Cubs the 4-3 win. Overcome with joy, and eager to celebrate, Ward left Wrigley to do what he loves best: stealing pic-a-nic baskets.
Ward, seen here fleeing nearby Wrigleystone National Park, is safely in ranger custody.
After a spree that lasted nearly three hours, covered six parks, and countless scared and injured picnic-goers – one man lost an arm – Ward was finally apprehended at approximately 6:45pm CST by Park Ranger Donald Smith. “Finally!” a visibly relieved Park Ranger Smith exclaimed. “We have been hunting the culprit behind these picnic-related hijinx for decades. And now we’ve got him. We’ve got our Cub.”
Smith explained that Ward was captured using an elaborate system of ropes, pulleys, and honey-glazed hams. “We weren’t sure if we were going to get him. He kept trying to get his little buddy, Booboo (recently-demoted infielder Ronny Cedeno) to take the bait first. But eventually he went for it.”
Among Ward’s victims was Chicago Bears return specialist Devin Hester. When asked how he was outrun and outwitted by the lumbering Ward, Hester shrugged, and could only offer a muddled, “I guess he’s smarter than the average Bear.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Daryl did not say, do, or eat these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)