Baseball gods tired of the same old Cubs curses, decide to “go Exodus on the Northsiders”

April 25, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Tired of the same old “injury, heartbreaking loss, small taste of glory only to have it snatched away” kind of stuff, the baseball gods have decided to take a page out of the God of all mankind’s book (the Bible) and “go all Exodus on the Northsiders’ asses.”

“After nearly a century, it has gotten a bit dull, wouldn’t you say?” asked Steve, god of rosin bags. “I mean, how many more times can we send Kerry Wood to the DL?”

“That’s right, Steve. It’s time to get creative,” chimed-in Fred, god of fungo bats. “No more balls through the legs, dropped fly balls, injuries to star players, monumental collapses to piss away the Wild Card lead. We’re sending in the freaking locusts.”

Cubs outfield
And if Jacque refuseth to lay off pitches three feet off the plate, behold, I will smite his head with frogs.

When asked about the plans to inflict the Cubs with Biblical calamities, the gods sent the Associated Press a faxed memo, which read:

To all concerned parties:

We, the baseball gods, shall smite the Cubs with a sore curse beginning the first of September, 2007. Wherein the urinal trough water shall be turned to blood – filling all of Wrigleyville with the stench of death.

Then it shall come to pass that Fred, god of fungos, shall stretch forth his staff over the lights of Wrigley and frogs shall rain down upon the head of one Jacque Dewayne Jones.

Next shall come the lice, then the flies, the pestilience…well, you guys know the rest. Suffice it to say, that things are going to get downright fire and brimstoney at 1600 West Addison.

Respectfully yours,
Hunab Ku – Supreme baseball god (AKA Brian)

“Some shall ask, ‘why?’” said Brian. “Why continue to smite the Chicago National League Ballclub? To which I will respond – shut your [stinking] pie hole before I send a fiery hail storm shooting up your [rectum].”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. While this author firmly believes that there are vengeful baseball gods who seem to hate the Cubs, he does not believe they are capable of actual Biblical plagues. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone – visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)

Comments

Got something to say?

You must be logged in to post a comment.