BCS Clusterf*ck Ends in Surprise Notre Dame Selection
April 25, 2008
(South Bend, IN) – After stunning season-ending losses by first-ranked Missouri, and second-ranked West Virginia – the former to a solid Oklahoma team, the latter to a middle school girls rugby team – voters in the Coaches Poll and the Harris Poll were charged with the difficult task of determining what two teams were most deserving to take their places. The two polls, along with a computer poll average, are ultimately used to determine the top two teams – the teams that will compete in New Orleans for the BCS National Championship.
For voters, the first choice was simple: The Ohio State Buckeyes. In addition to only losing once – to an Illinois team that barely lost at home at night to a Michigan team without its starting quarterback or running back, which had itself managed to come within a blocked field goal of defeating last year’s [I-AA] national champion – the Buckeyes’ resume includes impressive victories over fierce in-state rivals Akron and Youngstown State, and a season full of the kind of grinding, methodical offensive performances fans nationwide love to watch.
Deciding what team would face Ohio State, however, was a much more difficult decision.
Would it be SEC Champion LSU? PAC-10 Champ USC? ACC Champion Virginia Tech?
No, the voters decided resoundingly. It would be independent powerhouse, Notre Dame.
“No, we weren’t the least bit surprised,” on-again, off-again fat guy Charlie Weis said of the selection. “We churned through a tough schedule this year, and ended on a two-game winning streak. That includes a victory over three-time national champion Duke.” [ed. - the Duke Blue Devils are three-time national champions in basketball, not football. Incidently, had Notre Dame played the Duke basketball team in football, the game would almost certainly have been tighter]
After the selection was announced late Sunday, rampant speculation flew concerning just what led to the 3-9 Fighting Irish being included in the National Championship over 118 arguably more deserving teams.
“It’s all about fans and money and objections to contraception,” LSU fan, Toothless Rusty Watson said Monday. “Notre Dame did not deserve to go, but I sure will enjoy watching that sexy chica Jimmy Clausen on a national stage.”
And what of Notre Dame’s more than decade-long bowl losing streak? Does Weis believe this is the game they will finally get it done?
“Absolutely,” Weis said. “I will personally eat each and every Buckeye until they’re down to playing with the scout team. Then I think we’ll have a solid chance.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Notre Dame will not be playing in the National Championship game this year. They will, however, compete in the aforementioned middle school girls rugby championship. And lose. Badly. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)