Charlie Weis’ Body Rejecting Gastric Bypass Surgery
April 25, 2008
(South Bend, IN) – Fresh off a historically disappointing season for his Notre Dame Fighting Irish, coach Charlie Weis finds himself in the middle of another struggle: a re-burgeoning midsection.
Long-afflicted with the weight of a small sperm whale, Weis considered a number of options to improve his health before resorting to bariatric, or gastric bypass surgery.
“I tried a baboon stomach, but my regular stomach just ate that, too,” Weis said. “So a stomach staple was really the only option. Diet and exercise is dangerous for a manblob like me.”
But unfortunately for Weis, his body has begun to reject the gastric bypass surgery. At his weight nadir, Weis had slimmed to a svelt 190 pounds. But Weis was recently sighted at a New Year’s Eve party, bellying up to the cheese buffet at a reported 380-pound clip.
Weis says the first warning that his body was rejecting the gastric bypass surgery came a few months ago at a northeast Indiana Dairy Queen. “I started to break out in a cold sweat, and my stomach started to ache. You know, like it was empty? Like I was deficient in essential vitamins, minerals, and lard? And before I knew it, I’d had my fourteenth Butterfinger Blizzard. That’s when I noticed my rolls developing rolls.”
Weis says he has not decided if he will try the surgery again. “I’m about 30 pounds away from qualifying for a helper monkey to bathe me, so it’s gonna cost me either way.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Charlie Weis may be expanding again slightly, but I am not a doctor. I cannot accurately comment on the cause – be it natural or Criso-esque. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)