Charlie Weis’ Body Rejecting Gastric Bypass Surgery

April 25, 2008

(South Bend, IN) – Fresh off a historically disappointing season for his Notre Dame Fighting Irish, coach Charlie Weis finds himself in the middle of another struggle: a re-burgeoning midsection.

Long-afflicted with the weight of a small sperm whale, Weis considered a number of options to improve his health before resorting to bariatric, or gastric bypass surgery.

“I tried a baboon stomach, but my regular stomach just ate that, too,” Weis said. “So a stomach staple was really the only option. Diet and exercise is dangerous for a manblob like me.”

But unfortunately for Weis, his body has begun to reject the gastric bypass surgery. At his weight nadir, Weis had slimmed to a svelt 190 pounds. But Weis was recently sighted at a New Year’s Eve party, bellying up to the cheese buffet at a reported 380-pound clip.

Notre Dame Charlie Weis fat guy
By the last week of the season, Weis was seen on the sidelines shouting for hot dog vendors to make quarterly deliveries. He apparently also began storing loaves of sweet bread in his pants.

Weis says the first warning that his body was rejecting the gastric bypass surgery came a few months ago at a northeast Indiana Dairy Queen. “I started to break out in a cold sweat, and my stomach started to ache. You know, like it was empty? Like I was deficient in essential vitamins, minerals, and lard? And before I knew it, I’d had my fourteenth Butterfinger Blizzard. That’s when I noticed my rolls developing rolls.”

Weis says he has not decided if he will try the surgery again. “I’m about 30 pounds away from qualifying for a helper monkey to bathe me, so it’s gonna cost me either way.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Charlie Weis may be expanding again slightly, but I am not a doctor. I cannot accurately comment on the cause – be it natural or Criso-esque. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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One Response to “Charlie Weis’ Body Rejecting Gastric Bypass Surgery”

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