Confused, Possibly Comically Racist Lou Piniella Demands Kosuke Fukudome’s Translator Get His Ass Out to Right Field

April 25, 2008

(Pittsburgh, PA) – As the Cubs were choking away a 7-0 lead in yesterday’s 12-inning drama-filled marathon against the Pittsburgh Pirates, a bit of drama was unfolding in the Cubs dugout.

As the Cubs were set to take the field in the bottom of the 8th inning, an agitated Lou Pinella had something of a senior moment when he demanded that the translator of the Cubs Japanese transplant Right Fielder Kosuke Fukudome “get [his] ass in gear, and take the field.”

Fukudome’s translator, Ryuji Araki, was initially confused by the demand. “I did not understand why Piniella was telling me to take to the field of combat. That is Kosuke’s job. My job is to translate,” Araki said. “But I have dreamed since my days as a child in Osaka that one day I might play in a baseball game as a professional. I did not want to miss my chance. I did not translate the order for Kosuke.”

Fukudome translator Araki
Araki was noticeably excited by the chance to play for the Chicago Cubs. Or, alternatively, the jock strap he had quickly adorned was riding up pleasurably.

Piniella realized his mistake when Araki attempted to affix Fukudome’s glove to his head. “I mean, I knew they played the game a little different over there [in Japan], but that just wasn’t right.”

Hopes that the confusion was merely the result of a senior moment, were sadly dashed.

When confronted about how he could possibly confuse the two, Piniella was effusive at best, and marginally racist at worst. “Oh, come on. Me so sawwy. They look similar, ok? You know what I mean? Now I understand how Lyons could have made his little faux pas at me.”

Piniella was referring to controversial comments made by former Fox baseball analyst, Steve Lyons. Lyons was fired in October of 2006 after comments that seemed to imply he feared Piniella might steal his wallet because of his Hispanic background.

“Look, I already apologized to both of them, like, a ton,” Piniella continued. “I even told them I love them, and would never confuse them again.”

Piniella made a quick crack about having “yellow fever” and offering a “Pacific Rim-job” to make it up to the pair.

We had no further questions at that point.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We are SUPERULTRAMEGA kidding on this one. Lou might confuse people because he’s old, but we have absolutely no reason to believe he’s racist. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


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