Cub Republican Caucus Disappointed Fred Thompson Dropped Out of Race; Wonder Now Who Will Stop All the Gay Terrorist Immigrants from Aborting Christian Babies
April 25, 2008
(Columbia, S.C.) – In the heart of South Carolina, site of the most recent Republican primary, several Cubs have been stumping for weeks for their candidate of choice: Former Actor/Model/Senator, Fred Thompson. The group of Cubs – which includes relievers Scott Eyre and Ryan Dempster, and infielders Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, and who call themselves the “Cub Republican Caucus” – were crushed to learn Tuesday, however, that Thompson had dropped out of the race.
“We are deeply saddened by Senator Thompson’s decision,” Theriot said. “He stands for the values we hold dear – guns, using guns against terrorists, using guns against immigrants, using guns against gay marriage. And he doesn’t make me feel self-conscious about being the same size as his absurdly young trophy wife.”
Dempster, suspected by his teamates to be a member only because of the word “Caucus,” seemed to take the news the hardest. “I don’t know what to believe in now. If I can’t follow a guy who played a tough -nosed district attorney on Law and Order, and a misogynist factory boss on Roseanne, I probably won’t follow anyone.”
Scott Eyre’s greatest concern was who now to support. “Who can provide us with the striking combination of leadership, wit, Southern charm, hardcore conservative values, and bags under his eyes that look like extra large pillow cases?”
“I’d support Huckabee, but I’m not a huge fan of his ‘I’m-a-crazy-person’ platform,” Eyre continued. “I dig that McCain was a war hero, but his face looks like a man sack that’s been soaking with the dishes for about an hour. So I guess we’ll be throwing our support to [former New York City mayor Rudy] Giuliani. I’m pretty sure we have to or he’ll have us killed.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Hopefully no Cubs actually supported Thompson, and that chick is not actually Thompson’s grand daughter. It’s his grand daughter’s daughter. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)