Cubs to Fans: “Haha, suckaz!”

April 25, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Another October has come and gone, and once again, the Chicago Cubs failed to make it to the World Series. All over the country, Cub fans have struggled to come to grips with another disappointing season, but are finally beginning to come around. With the offseason hot stove heating up, Cub fans can once again begin to get excited about the next season. And the Chicago Cubs have a message for those fans.

“Haha, suckaz!”

“Oh every year it kills me,” GM Jim Hendry said through hearty guffaws and eyes welling with joyful tears. “These [freaking] fans. They keep coming back! Every year I think to myself, ‘There’s just no way they’ll come back again after this [stuff].’ But then they come back again! It’s hilariously awesome. I just think, ‘Haha, suckaz!’”

First baseman Derrek Lee agreed. “Oh yeah, we played them. The fans really thought it was gonna happen this year,” Lee said. “Have they been unconscious for the last 100 years?”

“They’ll believe pretty much anything,” oft-injured, rarely seen pitcher Mark Prior said Friday. “They believe the Cubs are gonna win it all, they believe that the Cubs will increase payroll to a level commensurate with their market. Heck, they even believe that I’m actually going to pitch a meaningful game for the Cubs ever again!”

Other fan beliefs the Cubs found humorous include a belief that closer Ryan Dempster will succeed as a starter, a belief that shortstop Ryan Theriot is actually a capable Major League calibre player, a belief that Alfonso Soriano makes sense as a leadoff hitter, a belief in the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, and a belief that every old crummy veteran who signs with the team will have a resurgent year.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The quotes here are fake, even if the message is kind of on point. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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