Geovany Soto Misunderstands “Pitchers and Catchers Due to Report Date;” Comes to Camp with Dr. Seuss Book Report

April 25, 2008

(Mesa, AZ) – It’s the time of year that baseball fans all across the country have patiently awaited for months: baseball is finally returning as pitchers and catchers will soon report to Spring Training. It is no different for Cubs pitchers and catchers who are officially due to report on Wednesday. For young catcher, Geovany Soto, the words “report,” “due” and “Wednesday” took on an entirely different meaning.

The youngster, perhaps unfamiliar with usual Spring practices, arrived late Tuesday night to Cubs camp in Mesa, Arizona, complete with cleats, glove, at least two balls, and something less typical of Spring Training: a book report on noted children’s author Dr. Seuss’ “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.”

“Ok, ok, so I misunderstood report due date. English is not my first language,” Soto explained after Lou Piniella returned the catcher’s report with a befuddled expression. “Everyone is just making fun because I wrote my report on a cherished children’s novel. I should have gone with my gut, and written it on one of Dr. Seuss’ adult ‘romance novels’ like ‘Horton Hears a Whore.’”

One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
In the book report’s closing paragraph, Soto aptly noted that the book was about numbers, colors, and “outrageously wacky fish genitalia.”

“I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it,” Manager Lou Piniella said after receiving Soto’s report. “I mean, on the one hand, it’s an excellent report. But on the other hand, even if he thought he had to do a book report … Dr. [freaking] Seuss? It’s a book for children and retarded adults. And frankly, I’m not too keen on having either as my backstop this year. We tried retarded last year [with catcher Michael Barrett], and we all saw how well that worked out.”

Apparently, Soto was not the only Cubs to misunderstand. “Yeah, Soto’s [report] wasn’t the only one I got. I guess he convinced a couple other guys that they had book reports due, too, but theirs were much, much worse. [Pitcher Ryan] Dempster scribbled out a book report on the ingredients list on a packet of ketchup. He said he didn’t want to spoil the ending, but it was ‘vinegar-tastic.’”

Pitcher Sean Marshall prepared a report on an article in this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. “Yeah, yeah, so I was obviously confused,” Marshall said of his gaffe. “But I don’t care what you say, everyone here should be interested in ‘The 10 Top Ways to Please Your Man in Bed.’”

“And I know for a fact that it also has a lot to do with pitching and catching. Well, at least number 3 and number 7. And number 9 if you’re really flexible.”

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