HD Television Reveals Sean Marshall’s Super Cool Tattoo Actually Sharpie
April 25, 2008
(Pittsburgh, PA) – As the Cubs prepare to end the second half of the season with the rubber game in their series against the Pirates, they must deal with an unexpected scandal.
While pitching against the Washington Nationals in his last start, Sean Marshall’s right sleeve lifted slightly to reveal his previously-thought wicked awesome barbed wire tattoo. But because the game was broadcast in High Definition, viewers were able to see the disappointing truth: Marshall’s tattoo had been drawn on with a Sharpie marker.
“It’s embarrassing. I don’t know how it happened,” Marshall said Sunday. “I would never knowingly or intentionally use Sharpie. I trusted my friend, Miguel [Tejada], to give me the tattoo, but I guess he tricked me. I wondered why it didn’t hurt, but I just thought I was really tough. And look, maybe the tattoo is fake, but the Prince Albert is real. I call mine Prince Fielder.”
Marshall has since admitted that his two tramp stamps are also fake.
“I’m heart-broken,” Cub fan Derrick Simms, 12, said. “I keep finding out that all the things I really believed in are fake. The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Scarlett Johansson’s breasts, and now Sean Marshall’s bad-ass tattoo?”
Marshall lamented the impact HD television has had on his professional experience. “It’s just amazing how people can really see everything on HD television. One thing I know for sure is I’m gonna have to get a bigger cup. 14 pixels of coverage just isn’t that impressive.”
“High Definition television has been a nightmare for us, really,” Cub reliever Scott Eyre said. “On regular television, I’m not half bad looking. On HD, I’m fug-tastic.”
Eyre continued: “I didn’t think anyone would ever see my straight up Kirsten Dunst-style snaggletooth. Oh, or my straight up Kirsten Dunst-style bosom.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sean did not say these things, and we’re sure that whatever tattoo’s, piercings, etc. that he may or may not have are real. And we’re also sure that Scarlett Johansson’s glorious, glorious breasts are real. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)