Hendry Hopes to Replace Jacque Jones with “The Asian Jacque Jones”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Jacque Jones, whose tenure as a member of the Chicago Cubs has been plagued by his standoffish relationship with the fans in the bleachers, was traded to the Detroit Tigers for utility infielder Omar Infante.
“We love Jacque and we wish him well with the Tigers,” said Jim Hendry, GM of the Cubs. “This wasn’t a performance issue — other than the 20,000 4-3 groundouts, Jacque was a very solid player for us. We’ve just decided to pursue someone, more…how can I put this delicately? More Asian.”
The Cubs’ marketing department is excited about the possibility of selling tens of thousands of “Fuk U Do Me” jerseys and t-shirts in 2008.
Jones, while surging somewhat in the second half of the 2007 season, had a puzzling year at the plate. He finished the season with only five home runs — the fewest of his career, including his rookie year when he appeared in only 95 games.
“Wait? I’m going to the Tigers? For real? BOO-YAH! Heading to Motown, bitches!” replied Jacque, when notified of the trade. “All y’all [caucasian] [folks who engage in incest with their mothers] in the bleachers can kiss my black ass!”
From 1999 through 2007, Kosuke Fukudome — who the Cubs are expected to pursue aggressively — has hit .306 with 179 HR and 599 RBI for the Chunichi Dragons.
“If we are fortunate enough to persuade Mr. Fukudome to join the Cubs, we expect him to play the game a lot like Jacque did for us. He hits lefty, throws righty, has a little bit of pop in his bat, has some speed,” explained Hendry. “He’ll just do it in a…less…urban way. Know what I mean?”
“You want me to elaborate? Fine,” said Hendry. “I’ll put it this way. In 2008, we’re looking for less FUBU and more FUKU. Hey…I like that. Can we put that on a t-shirt?”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Jim Hendry and Jacque Jones would never, ever say (or think) such things. At least…we don’t think so. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone – visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)