I Could Benchpress You
April 25, 2008
by Philip Rivers
Look, buddy. I need to fill you in on something before you keep on flapping your gums.
I could benchpress you.
I’m huge, ok? I could benchpress the f*ck out of you. Because I’m a man, and you’re just a little b*tch. Like Jay Cutler or an Indianapolis Colt fan. I’m a tough guy, and you’re a wimp. Look at my guns. I’m getting a boner just looking at them. And my boner is bigger than yours, too.
I hear you jawin’. But you ain’t got nothing on me. I’m an NFL quarterback, loser. I get so many chicks it’s crazy. And they all have breasts. Two of them. And I sure like those. Because I’m a man!
I know you want to criticize me. You might say I’ve been terribly inconsistent this year, and we’re better off with Billy Volek starting against the Patriots. But you know what I say?
If you were a man, you’d arm wrestle me.
You know who else is a b*tch? Tom Brady. I call him Tom Lady. I could kick his ass any day of the week. I could totally bang his girlfriend, Gisele, if I wanted. I could impregnate her way better, too. I probably won’t beat up Tom Lady this weekend, though, because my knee is a little banged up. I can still squat like 700 pounds, though. How much can you do, sissy?
So just shut your stupid mouth before I shut it for you. I’m Philip f*cking Rivers. The Chargers never really wanted Eli Manning. They knew what would happen all along. They wanted this fine piece of meat. I’m the man. You’re not. Deal with it.
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