I Could Benchpress You

April 25, 2008

by Philip Rivers

Look, buddy. I need to fill you in on something before you keep on flapping your gums.

I could benchpress you.

I’m huge, ok? I could benchpress the f*ck out of you. Because I’m a man, and you’re just a little b*tch. Like Jay Cutler or an Indianapolis Colt fan. I’m a tough guy, and you’re a wimp. Look at my guns. I’m getting a boner just looking at them. And my boner is bigger than yours, too.

I hear you jawin’. But you ain’t got nothing on me. I’m an NFL quarterback, loser. I get so many chicks it’s crazy. And they all have breasts. Two of them. And I sure like those. Because I’m a man!

I know you want to criticize me. You might say I’ve been terribly inconsistent this year, and we’re better off with Billy Volek starting against the Patriots. But you know what I say?

If you were a man, you’d arm wrestle me.

You know who else is a b*tch? Tom Brady. I call him Tom Lady. I could kick his ass any day of the week. I could totally bang his girlfriend, Gisele, if I wanted. I could impregnate her way better, too. I probably won’t beat up Tom Lady this weekend, though, because my knee is a little banged up. I can still squat like 700 pounds, though. How much can you do, sissy?

So just shut your stupid mouth before I shut it for you. I’m Philip f*cking Rivers. The Chargers never really wanted Eli Manning. They knew what would happen all along. They wanted this fine piece of meat. I’m the man. You’re not. Deal with it.

Chargers Phillip Rivers Looking Like a Douche

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


3 Responses to “I Could Benchpress You”

  1. anon on September 5th, 2008 4:18 am


  2. Jess on December 14th, 2008 4:35 pm

    If your trying to impress someone, but my guess is it didn’t work. You talk about kicking his ass and Tom Brady. Your probably a pussy. Looks to me like your not better than Rivers because your flapping your gums now aren’t ya?

  3. Ace on December 14th, 2008 6:04 pm

    The only part of that comment that made any sense was “your.” And it was misused. Repeatedly.

Got something to say?

You must be logged in to post a comment.