Jacque Jones: Lou Piniella “Worse than Dusty Baker,” “Better than Hitler”

April 25, 2008

(Washington, D.C.) – As the Cubs were wrapping up their series against the Washington Nationals, the players and coaches were reflecting on an up and down first half of the season. The coaches have been pleased with the progress. The players have been pleased with the relative success. Jacque Jones, however, has struggled to adjust to new manager Lou Piniella.

“Look, as a person, Lou is okay,” Jones, who hasn’t been in the starting lineup since June 20, said late Wednesday night. “I think he’s worse than Dusty Baker, though. I just preferred Dusty’s managing style. We got along better.”

“When I was playing well, Dusty started me,” Jones continued. “When I was playing mediocre, Dusty started me. When I was scuffling a little bit, Dusty started me. When I was playing God-sh*tting awful, Dusty started me. But with Lou… I mean, you go on one little 0 for 157 stretch, and he benches you.”

“I don’t hate Lou, though. He just doesn’t get me. I mean, I guess he’s probably better than Hitler. That guy was pretty bad.”

Jones expanded on his bold assertion that Lou Piniella is not quite as bad as Nazi Dictator Adolf Hitler: “I’ve seen [Lou] eat a baby or two, but I haven’t yet seen him commit atrocious acts of mass genocide. So he’s got that going for him. He double switches way more than Hitler did, though.”

Jones wouldn’t commit one way or another on Piniella-Stalin and Piniella-Mussolini comparisons. He was, however, willing to affirmatively declare that Piniella is worse than Andy Dick.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jacque did not say these horrible things, and he never *technically* went on an 0-157 stretch. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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