Jason Kendall Resurrecting Career, “Not unlike Jesus Christ”
April 25, 2008
(Miami, FL) – As the Cubs come down the stretch, clinging to a three-game lead in the NL Central, the team heads to Miami for a three-game tilt with the Florida Marlins. As they do it, there seems to be an extra spring in the players’ step. An aura of confidence? Perhaps.
An aura of godliness?
The Cubs turnaround this season seems to have begun with the trade of sometimes panty-less catcher Michael Barrett. After briefly trying to fill the position with NL scraps, the Cubs moved to a acquire a man who had once been a dominant catcher in the league. A man who once led a pitching staff of twelve disciples. But a man whose career was thought dead.
That man, who breathed new life into a sputtering Cubs team, has also breathed new life into his career. That man is Jason Kendall.
Jason Kendall was hitting a paltry .226 for the Oakland Athletics when the Cubs acquired him. His career, it seemed, was dead. His teamates had foresaken him. His best friend on the team, Nick Swisher, had denied three times to the media that the two were ever friends. But after the cross from the A’s to the Cubs, Kendall was like a new man. The change, he said, has been divine.
“Yeah, I guess I’ve really turned things around since coming to the Cubs,” Kendall said Tuesday, where he entered the game hitting .284 for the Cubs with an excellent .376 OBP. “The only way I could really describe it is that I’ve resurrected my career not unlike Jesus Christ. Basically, I’m Jesus Christ.”
When asked how he could boldly assert such blasphemy, Kendall, who has instituted proceedings to legally change his name to “Jason Cendall,” was unphased. “Far be it from me to compare myself to the Son of God, but when the shoe fits, kiss it. No, seriously. Kiss my feet.”
Though the Cubs are pleased with Kendall’s performance, his new-found, self-imposed deity status has ruffled a few clubhouse feathers. “I’m glad he’s hitting better and everything,” teammate Jacque Jones said. “But I keep telling him that I’m not gonna call him ‘The King of the Jews.’ At least not while Billy Crystal is alive.” Teammates have also struggled with how to respond to Kendall’s requests to “eat of [his] body.”
“I’ll eat just about anything,” corpulent first baseman Daryl Ward said, “But I ain’t eatin’ no dude.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jason Kendall does not believe himself to be Jesus Christ, and frankly, he hasn’t been *that* good. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)