Kerry Wood Not Dead
April 25, 2008
(Mesa, AZ) – Former Chicago Cub Kerry Wood has been absent from the team and from the spotlight for what seems like years, and most assumed he had long been shuffled loose this mortal coil. As it turns out, though, Kerry Wood is not dead. He’s alive, and he’s on a rehab stint in Arizona. He struck out three in an inning of work yesterday in Mesa.
“Kerry Wood is alive?” exclaimed a befuddled Mark Prior (also alive). “You gotta be kidding me!” he said shaking his head. “Wow. I really gotta stop sleeping with his wife.”
Manager Lou Piniella was also shocked at the news. “I really and truly thought he was dead. You just don’t hear anything about him, and there was all the injuries. I just figured he was a goner.”
“Ok, so if Kerry isn’t dead,” Piniella continued, “I gotta figure out who the hell this is (lifts urn). Oh, wait, these aren’t ashes. This is where I keep my Fruit Roll-ups! Look. This one is shaped like a pirate hat!”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Kerry has always been alive, even if his career has not. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)