Lilly Looking Forward to “Being Like Those People in the Valtrex Commercials”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Ted Lilly has always been a nice guy, ask any of his friends. But ask them if he’s happy, and you might be surprised at what you hear: Ted Lilly is depressed.
“Yeah, Ted is a swell guy, but he’s just so down in the dumps all the time. You can see it in his face,” Cub teammate and friend Jason Marquis said. But after some soul-searching, and late night TV-watching, Lilly knows how he can turn it all around: he’s going to start taking Valtrex.
“Oh I can’t wait!” Exclaimed a noticeably happier Lilly. “Every time I see those Valtrex commercials, the people in them are so happy. Running, hiking, biking, laughing. You know, generally having herpes-less fun. I’m really looking forward to being like them.”
Lilly developed the plan for happiness after a recent roadtrip where he just couldn’t seem to get himself out of a funk. “I saw those commercials, and it all made sense. I knew what I had to do.”
There was one problem, though. Lilly didn’t have herpes.
“Yeah, my doctor was a real [jerk] about it. I went in there, and asked for the prescription, and he wouldn’t give it to me. Told me he’d only prescribe it if I actually had herpes,” Lilly said. “Well I showed him. It took me nailing about 43 street walkers before a Puerto Rican transvestite named Manuel did the trick. But I got my herpes. And now I’m getting my Valtrex.”
Side effects include mild nausea, diarrhea, and ironically, more herpes.
Lilly looks forward to his new-found source of happiness, but teammates worry he hasn’t fully grasped the seriousness of his sexually transmitted disease. “He keeps bragging about how it barely itches, and how I ‘shouldn’t worry’ because he cannot transmit the disease while not experiencing an outbreak,” catcher Jason Kendall said. “That’s just not right for so many reasons.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Ted Lilly probably does not have herpes, and has not tried repeatedly to acquire the disease. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)