Lou Piniella: Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present OK, Ghost of Christmas Future “Kind of a dick”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Grousy Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Piniella found himself smack dab in the middle of a Dickensian surprise last night as he was visited by three spirits who sought to raise his appreciation for Christmas.
“I didn’t really think I was such a Scrooge, but I guess if the metaphorical figures of a nineteenth century novel come to life to guide you on a spiritual journey of sorrow, understanding, and ultimately redemption, then you must be a Scrooge,” Piniella said. “Well, a Scrooge, or really, really high on PCP. Which I was.”
Piniella said that he enjoyed some of what the spirits had to offer, but not all it.
“I appreciated some of what the first two had to show me. It was nice to see my old girlfriend again, especially back when she was a smokin’ 19-year old hotty,” Piniella reminisced. “And then the Ghost of Christmas Present really gave me some perspective on how good I have it when he showed me how sad of a Christmas Tiny Theriot is having. They were basically friendly and helpful.”
“So yeah, I’d say the first two Ghosts were ok. But that third one – the Ghost of Christmas Future – he was kind of a dick.”
When pressed to explain his distaste for the ethereal spirit, Piniella soured. “I don’t know, man. I mean, he was showing me all this crummy stuff that happens in future Christmas’s, and making me feel all bad about myself. And he was all like, ‘Looooouuuuu! Loooooooouuuuuu! You must change your ways! Or else! He sounded like my damn parents.”
“Like he showed me next Christmas, and Jim Hendry was even fatter, and it was partly because I kept making fun of his boob-a-roos in the shower.”
“And a few Christmas’s later, the Ghost showed me, I have no friends except for a sock puppet named Pepe. And then 100 Christmas’s later, the Cubs finally win the World Series, but nobody cares, because organized professional baseball hasn’t been played in 50 years,” Piniella lamented.
“Oh, and then when he left, he flicked me in the balls. Just not a nice guy.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Lou did not say these things, and the only other-worldly spirit that has ever visited him is the Tooth Fairy. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)