Marcus Vick: “Hey, I’m a talented asshole criminal, too!”
April 25, 2008
(Newport News, VA) – While older brother and Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was pleading guilty in federal court on Monday to charges stemming from an illegal dog-fighting ring, Marcus Vick was pleading his own case: he needs attention.
“It’s always Michael, Michael, Michael,” Marcus Vick lamented from a nondescript but not altogether un-cozy underpass late Monday night. “Do you know what it’s like to be his younger brother? To live in his shadow? Every time I do something awful, Michael’s right there one-upping me. It’s hurtful.”
Marcus, 23, has had a rollercoaster ride full of tumult and legal trouble beginning with his brief time as the quarterback at Michael’s alma mater, Virginia Tech. “I thought that I finally had something on Michael there at [Virginia] Tech. We were both quarterbacks there, but he was a national phenomenon, and unbelievable talent. He even took them to the National Championship Game,” Marcus said with a sneer. “But me, pfft. I was on point. I got suspended at least a couple times, I stomped legs. The point is, in college, everyone knew who the worse Vick was. It was me, and it was great.”
“But every time I felt like I started to pull away, set myself apart, and become the truly worse Vick, Michael had to step in and screw me,” Marcus continued. “I mean, Ron Mexico? What am I supposed to do with that?”
“I provide alcohol to underaged girls and get caught with a little weed, he gets caught with some weed at a freaking airport! I flick off a couple people in Morgantown on ESPN with one finger, he freaking drops a double finger flick off in front of 80,000 people in the Georgia Dome. I really started to feel like I would never be the horrible, criminal douchebag that my older brother was.”
“I’ve got him this time, though,” Marcus said with terrifying glee in his eyes. “He thinks he’s gonna steal all the negative attention with dog fighting? Just wait until you see the headlines tomorrow when I start a kuala bear fighting ring! Everyone loves koala bears! Or actually, better yet, I’ll start a koala bear EATING ring! Then they’ll see! They’ll all see!” At this point, Marcus broke off into a super villainesque evil laugh, tried to stomp my leg, and I felt it best to end the interview.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Marcus did not say these things, although, sadly he did do most of them. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)