Mark DeRosa to retire, become Rock and Roll Guitarist

April 25, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs offseason plans will have to undergo a major reconstruction as starter Mark DeRosa has informed Jim Hendry that he will not return to the team for the 2008 season, instead opting to start a band.

It will not be just any band, says DeRosa.

“We’re going to be the ultimate 21st Century group. I will be playing lead guitar, of course…as I am a celebrity…and I will be using the Guitar Hero software published by Activision.”

DeRosa picked up the game for his son, but quickly found himself addicted to the ability to rock without the presence of any talent whatsoever.

“The decision really wasn’t as hard as you’d have imagined,” Derosa continued, “I got five stars on Raining Blood by Slayer…RAINING BLOOD…on my first try. Having done that, I knew my true calling was music.”

The retirement was sudden, but not surprising to Cubs GM Jim Hendry.

“When we sign players, we always assume that they’re better at some other skill than they are at baseball…we signed Jacque Jones specifically because of his fly-fishing talent, for instance. And for Mark to hit five stars on raining blood…well, he’d be downright foolish not to pursue his guitar career.”

The Cubs will be left with a hole either at second base or right field as the team had inexplicably elected to give Ryan Theriot the starting shortstop position and alternate DeRosa between infield and outfield. DeRosa, however, is not concerned about the Cubs situation.

“The team will be fine. Ryan Theriot is so gritty that he can probably man both shortstop and second base. And let’s be honest…who cares about RF? That’s where they stick the crappy kids. And in the end, baseball is only a game, whereas hitting buttons rhythmically on a plastic controller with an easily breakable whammy bar…well that’s rock and roll.”

Theriot could not be reached for comment. Sources say that he was trying out for RF for a Chicago Beer League softball team.

He failed at that, too.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mark DeRosa is not retiring, and no one has ever gotten five stars on Raining Blood on their first attempt. Ryan Theriot does suck, however, and probably couldn’t make a beer league softball team. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Fly.)


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