Matsuzaka: “I’m Pretty [Freaking] Tired of Me Already”

April 25, 2008

(Denver, CO) – As the Boston Red Sox head to Colorado with a two-game lead in the World Series, one man might make the difference between an essentially insurmountable 3-0 lead, and a tight 2-1 series: Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The Red Sox $103 million pitcher has captured the imagination of a nation, and has been a phenomenon since he came to the country less than one year ago. Indeed, it seems like everyone wanted to know every last detail about Matsuzaka. Fans couldn’t get enough of him. Everone wanted more Matsuzaka. Everyone, that is, except one man.

Daisuke Matsuzaka.

“Enough already,” Matsuzaka said through a translator Friday. “I keep hearing Matsuzaka this, Daisuke that. I’m pretty [freaking] tired of me already.”

Daisuke Matsuzaka Theo Epstein
Matsuzaka’s handlers insist he would have had the same level of media coverage had he signed with, say, the Devil Rays or Royals. The B&I Times staff insists that they come the [frick] on.

“I had a 4.40 ERA, for [freak's] sake,” Matsuzaka went on to say; his translator peppering Matsuzaka’s Japanese with profanity. “When was the last time you heard about a [freaking gosh darn] 4.40 ERA pitcher every [gosh darn] day on the news?”

“The worst part is, these [not nice guys] the Red Sox are going to win the World Series – no thanks to my [poopy butt] – after they spent hundreds of million dollars on [poop buckets] like me and Julio Lugo. What kind of lesson is that?”

Matsuzaka hopes he pitches terribly in Game 3 so that he doesn’t have to hear about how amazing he is after another perfectly mediocre 5 inning, 4 run effort.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Matsuzaka didn’t say these things, but he does kind of suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)


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