MLB Plagued by Rash of Teams That Don’t Realize They Suck
April 25, 2008
(Baltimore, MD; Kansas City, MO; St. Louis, MO; Chicago, IL; Arlington, TX; Miami, FL; Cincinnati, OH) – The first week and a half is in the books for Major League Baseball, but many of the division standings look utterly upside down. That’s because there are several teams that have apparently briefly forgotten that they suck.
“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Kansas City Royals took a multigame lead in the AL Central deep into August back in 2003,” ESPN’S Tim Kurkjin said Friday morning. “They had completely forgotten how shitty they were supposed to be. I made sure to write them a letter to remind them, and sure enough, they fell back into their proper place from there.”
So far this season, the Baltimore Orioles, the Kansas City Royals, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Chicago White Sox, the Texas Rangers, the Florida Marlins, and the Cincinnati Reds all have winning records, all stand near the top of their division, and most importantly, all have the constitution of a mid-major college women’s softball team.
“We don’t really know what to do about it,” MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said at a press conference on Thursday. “Yes, it’s a problem. It’s pervasive, and we need to deal with it. But it’s difficult, because these teams are so bad, but obviously just have no clue that they have no business winning games this year.”
“I mean, come on. The Cardinal rotation looks like the rotation in my grandson’s little league team. And they wear helmets on and off the field, if you know what I mean.”
“The Marlins’ entire payroll is less than Alex Rodriguez’s salary. That’s not schtick. That’s a fact. And the Orioles. Dear God. I mean, they are desperately awaiting Freddy Bynum’s return from the DL. Freddy [freaking] Bynum!”
“We’re just glad that the Devil Rays – excuse me – the Rays have finally dipped back under .500,” Selig continued. “As a league, we’re strong enough to stand a good Marlins team or a good Cardinals team, but the Rays. Well, that’s bigger than baseball, and could have taken us down.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This is a joke. These teams obviously realize they suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)