New England Patriots Cheat on Boardgames, Taxes, Wife, but “Never Football”
April 25, 2008
(Foxboro, MA) – The New England Patriots, embroiled in a scandal involving the video taping of opponents’ coaches during games – a violation of league rules – have released a statement following the Commissioner’s decision to fine the team, and remove a draft pick:
First and foremost, we would like to take back any apologies that may have been offered on our behalf by coaches or players in this organization. We do not apologize. We disagree vehemently with the Commissioner’s decision, and we will fight it wherever we can – in the league office, in a courthouse, or in a monkey knife fight.
We did not do anything wrong. We would never cheat to win a football game. We are the kind of men who do not do that sort of thing. We may cheat on a boardgame here or there, and we may even cheat on our taxes – though we still contend that money earned in a contest to see how many $20s can stick to Tom Brady’s naked body covered with maple syrup does not qualify as “income” under the current Tax Code.
We also may at times cheat on our wives, and soon-to-be wives like the sexy Gisele Bundchen.
Like this one time I met this Peruvian chick at O’Hurley’s on 3rd, and she was wearing this silk blouse and these come-and-get-it-hooker boots, you know the type, and she was all, “Do you play football?,” and I’m all, “Yeah baby, and I can get us in any club you want,” and she was like dancing like you wouldn’t believe and we went hog-crazy behind this 7-11 before this hobo… wait. Um. What was I talking about?
Oh, right. Right. Football. We would never cheat on football, and we will stand by that statement until the end. Thank you for your attention, and if anyone has Rick Ankiel or Troy Glaus or Gary Mathews, Jr.’s phone number, please direct it to our attention. We just need their help with a little project. Thanks.
The New England Patriots
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Patriots did not actually release this statement, but rest assured, if they did, a Chicago Cubs news and parody blog would totally be the first place they’d think of. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)