Nick Swisher on Arrest for Methamphetamine Possession; “Just Trying to Relate to My New Fans”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Nick Swisher, newest member of the Chicago White Sox, was arrested early Sunday morning after police raided a meth lab near 35th and Shields. Swisher, along with two Sox fans, was found carrying an undisclosed amount of the highly addictive stimulant.
Swisher (left) enjoys some quality time with two members of his new fanbase.
“I’m having the time of my life!” slurred the new Sox outfielder. “White Sox fans are the best in the world! And they have the finest Cristy around, baby!”
[Editor's note: At this point, Swisher was advised by his attorney, "Not to say another [freaking] word.”]
Swisher, known as a fan favorite and an affable clubhouse personality while in Oakland, is already doing his best to relate with the fans on the South Side of Chicago.
“Last night I got my first ‘booty bump,’” explained Swisher. “Who knew meth could be injected anally? I sure didn’t! What wonderful things I have already learned in my short time as a White Sox.”
[Editor's note: At this point, Swisher's attorney smacked him across the face with the back of his hand.]
“Swisher’s outgoing personality, grind-it-out style and high on-base percentage is just what the we were looking for,” said GM Kenny Williams. “If he has to do a little Stovetop on the side to maintain his status as ‘Fan Favorite,’ that’s Nick’s business…as long as he doesn’t get strung out on crack, like [name withheld]. Then we might have an issue.”
[Editor's note: At this point, Swisher excused himself as, "his skin was crawling with aphids."]
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Nick Swisher does not inject meth into his anus (or any other orifice). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone – visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)