Pie and Soriano on Surprise Christmas Party Makeout Session: “It was the Mistletoe!”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – December brings several traditions to the Windy City: offseason trade excitement, Ryan Theriot’s gritty Gingerbread men, and of course, the Cubs Christmas Party.
The party is a festive shindig featuring peppermint Schnapps, Cub caroling, and Kerry Wood a-wasseling. And the sizzling buzz of the offseason is usually enough to keep the party warm from the brutal cold of the Chicago winter.
But something else was heating up the hot stove at the Cubs Christmas Party this year: a steamy makeout session between Cub outfielders Alfonso Soriano and Felix Pie.
Gratuitous showings of affection between co-workers are not uncommon at Christmas parties across the country, but admittedly, this particular snogfest caught teamates off-guard.
“We were all just surprised to see Alfonso making out, you know?” Derrek Lee said after the party. “Well yeah, not just because it was a dude, but I mean, because… well… have you seen Alf? Dude ain’t exactly pretty. He’s professionally fugly. But yeah, I’ll have to keep my eye on those two at the Hannukah Ho-Down.”
“Yeah, we know Alf had been showing Felix the ropes since he came up to the bigs,” Ryan Dempster said. “But I guess that’s not all he was showing him. Now I’m starting to wonder about those repeated trips they took shopping for jockstraps.”
The pair have refuted that they are in some kind of Dominican man-loving, May-December relationship. “Look, it was Christmas, you know?” Soriano said. “We’re just friends, and the wine, she was delicious. And the mistletoe! It was the mistletoe! We were talking, and Fe-Fe pointed up, and there was the mistletoe. It’s tradition. Also he looked so damn cute. Wait… no, I mean the mistletoe.”
“I know they say it was the mistletoe, but that’s crap,” Ted Lilly said. “I can understand a peck or moderate tongue or maybe even a little cup check. But full-on makeout? There wasn’t that much Schnapps.”
Cubs Manager Lou Piniella didn’t appreciate the innocent explanation. “I don’t really care what they say. Mistletoe my ass. I stood under that mistletoe all G*ddamned night long and I didn’t get so much as a handshake from either one of them.”
“The fact is, I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” Piniella continued. “I guess I’m just going to have to separate them from now on. Soriano can stay in left field, but there’s no way Pie can stay in center field. I’ll be damned if someone hits a gapper and neither one gets to because they’re too busy trimming the ivy.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Soriano and Pie did not make out at a Cubs Christmas Party – in fact there was no such party. We’ll keep you updated about the Hannukah Ho-Down, though. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)